Wishful Thinker

Mind Over Body

2012-01-05T23:50:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel like I am not making any sense at all as a person, that I am too much of a paradox that it is ruining who I am. I am such a horrendous contradict so much so that I keep losing track of what I want and sometimes who I am. My mind is never constant filled with mood swings acting as quick as a snap.

I feel like I have this annoying alter ego in my head that drives me insane from time to time. It gets so negative and so convincing that I will eventually end up from where I first began or sometimes to even a place I never imagined going. I'll get this rush of thoughts that sometimes send shivers down my spine and I have conversations of so many things in my head. I'm an over-thinker and an over-analyser, that is the trait I like the least about myself.

I feel really useless most of the time and it can get really overwhelming up there. Its a dark place I can't seem to stop visiting. I don't know if it is just me, am I the only one who is like this. It gets exhausting but the more tired I get, the more it seems to be on overdrive. Sigh.

Because i love you to death

2011-12-09T00:56:00.000+08:00

"cause you know that i'll always be there

maybe that's why you don't care

so just take it all and watch how i fall

always thinking you'll catch me

you are killing me slowly

i keep holding my breath

cause i love you to death

i love you to death"

Uneven

2011-11-28T00:06:00.000+08:00

Just when you thought you know me well, you'd realize you had no idea.

Not even a single clue.

Choices

2011-11-11T00:47:00.001+08:00

Life is full of choices. In fact choices are a part of everything we do or encounter in our lives. Its there with every step we make. Its safe to say that we have all been put in a spot of choices. We choose between heart or brain, fight or flight, we even have to choose what to have for lunch. Thus, and so much more. I personally believe that choices are the worst thing that life can ever offer.

I knew that this day would come. Where I would have to face making a choice between love and logic. I was just waiting on time. I have been having a hard time finding balance lately and being in overdrive almost every single day is taking a toll on me. I am not complaining because of the choices I made, I just needed someone to hear me out. I needed someone to just lend me a listening ear. I don't think I'm asking for much. It gets so frustrating having to deal with all these struggles on my own. I thought, even if no one else is willing to hear me out, you of all people would stick by me no matter what. I guess I'm wrong and I'm sorry for ever putting you in that position. Who am I, right? What rights do I have?

I know H. I know that he knows me well enough. He knows what I love and what I'd do for it. He knows I have big dreams, he knows that I can only cope with so much. He knows me better than me. He knows when to stop me when I don't. He knows when I have had enough and how much more can I take. He knows that I without a doubt, rather put others before me. So he knows better than to have me choose between the things/person I love. No, he is not asking me to choose him between cheer. He asked me to choose me between cheer. H thinks that cheer has put me in so much overdrive and it is taking too much toll on me. I know that he wouldn't even come to that decision unless he have to.

But here's the thing that breaking my heart. I love cheer. I have a huge passion about it. But there is also a saying that goes, 'Just because you want it, doesn't mean you can have it.' I am really torn because up till right now I have been putting this matter off because I simply do not want to face it. But now, I have to. I was asked to make a decision between love and rational.

I have been going back and forth trying to figure out if I am really cut out for this. I mean I have put in so much effort but I don't see myself reaping anything at all. Its frustrating because I don't want to give up on it yet but every single time, I lose a little bit more inside. I lose the drive and the motivation. I don't want anything to go to waste so I am hoping, really hoping that this is just a phase. I need to find a way to figure out this balance, fast. I have a lot to prove. To everyone but most importantly myself. I have no room to fail but it feels like I am failing with every step.

Tug Of War

2011-11-08T23:48:00.000+08:00

The most destructible person you could ever know is yourself. I for one have known that for a long time. I am a constant battle to myself and for those who have followed me through this blog knows how dangerous my mind is to me.

I have this constant battle in my head, a game of tug and war. About what? About everything, everything that goes on in my life. People have said that sometimes I am just too hard on myself, I am an over-analyzer and I take things too seriously. Some have also said that I need to be wiser too, I need to think far and figure what I want in life. I am not one who easily adapts, not one who likes changes either so I resist. I rewire my mind as hard as I could to accept the facts and outcomes of whatever it may be.

I am never the sort who quits so easily and it gets tough when you are tugging between fighting and quitting. I am struggling a lot. I am trying to keep up in my studies, trying to balance time, trying to balance relationships and trying to balance interest. It's as if I am balance plates on a stick. I feel like I have a lot on my plate, I have a lot to prove. And I am tired so forgive me for having the thought of stopping this fight. I have been fighting over this struggle for a while now and slowly I keep letting the plates go.

First it was math, now it's cheer. It breaks my heart to have the urge of letting go something I am truly passionate about. But the painful feeling of not being good enough is killing me too. It saddens me even more that I am now playing a tug of war with my heart and head. I am pulling between holding on and letting go. It sucks having have to fight so hard for something you care about but in your head you feel like letting go because all the hard work doesn't seem to bring you anywhere, at least in your eyes. Its getting really tough and it's getting a toll on me.

xoxo ♥

A little to the left

2011-11-06T22:39:00.000+08:00

Dear Ellisya,

You know, more than anyone else that hoping and harping on something so much will only bring you disappointment. So why? Why do you do it? Why do you keep putting yourself in that position over and over again? Why do you put in so much when clearly the other party won't even bother to do the same? Why do keep thinking that somehow things will take a turn for the better, or somehow a miracle will happen? Why do you keep forgiving so easily? Why do you keep trying when you know all you are ever going to get back are are pile of rude replies? Why do you keep letting people mess with your mind? Why do you let them make you feel so worthless, make you feel like you are the problem?

You are better than that. You deserve better.

Love, Alter Ego

Cheerology

2011-09-13T16:32:00.000+08:00

I have been struggling a lot in cheer. Be it, trying to fit in or trying to be able to hit all the things I was asked to do. I never knew joining in into Gusto or could be so physically demanding and emotionally draining. It also requires me to make a lot of sacrifices on time wise. It frustrates me that I am feeling like I am living in the shadows of the group. I feel like everyone else is progressing while I hide behind like a hermit. I get frustrated when I could not do things well.

I guess its hard having Gusto being such a big group. Everyone is vying for a spot in the team and we are going all out to make sure we do. And with tryouts coming up real soon, everyone are like vultures trying to get a piece of everything. But sometimes its takes more than just your ability, it needs you to be noticed.

I am beginning to wonder if it will be worth it in the end?

Cliché

2011-09-13T16:25:00.000+08:00

I was thinking lately. We can love someone so much, we would give all that we have to them. Without hesitating, we rarely think twice to act out thinking for the best of the other. We wire ourselves to the pain and we get numb. We get immune to the pain, disappointment and we defuse the anger built up so easily as time goes.

But is love alone really enough to keep two people together? If we were to take the nitty gritty details out like time, the power of understanding and compromising, would it still be enough?

**********

I am a very cliché person. I wished my life is just like those romantic movies that has the sweetest guy and the happy ending. I look out for the little things and I get disappointed easily. I smile at the romantic clichés and I rejoice at the beauty of the littlest things.

I wonder at the question if I'm the first person you'd think of in the morning and the last before you sleep. Or am I the first person you think of when you speak of someone special. Or how you look/think about every detail of me, like the way I speak, the sound of my voice, the way I walk, the way I dress or simply that shy smile I give every now and then? Am I the most beautiful girl in your world? Does your heart flutter when I say your name or when you say my name? Do you get butterflies in your stomach seeing me? And does it explode at the simple act that I do like no-one else does?

You see, I am an every bit of all those. And I wonder if it is the same to you? And I wonder if we could stand base on love alone?

Confidante

2011-09-07T23:47:00.000+08:00

I know I have not been updating my blog for a while now. The urgency to put my words down just isn't there anymore. Yet I have so much to say. I used to such an avid blogger, updating this blog almost daily on anything. Suffice to say, I just got lazy and I procrastinate. I didn't feel like it was that important anymore.

The way things are written down here changes through time too. It used to be so detailed, so form. Now, everything here seems discreet. I talk in circles and it getting very difficult to relate to it. But I would not apologize for that. This space has been such a good confidante.

*****************

2011-08-05T10:11:00.003+08:00

\editted

This post is going to be different from what I would usually talk about here. But because I feel the need to put these thoughts or should I say opinions of mine into words.

I have always have a weak spot for elderly people working as cleaners for a living, I cannot look them in the eye even though some of them want to work besides others who have to. I cannot see the sight a small kid digging out coins from his wallet to take the bus or buy a drink, I cannot stand the sight of people having to do hard manual labor for a living. It makes me feel like we are the ones putting them at the bottom of the pack. It also makes me realize how blessed we are to be able to live fairly well.

This morning, I saw an elderly man in a cleaner's uniform, digging out trash from the rubbish bin of what perhaps it was his job to do that. When I had to walk pass him, I can't help but to bow my head partially out of embarrassment. I felt embarrassed that we get so self-absorbed we forget to thank those who have been painstakingly picking up after us. I pity them even though some of them would not what sympathy. I can't help it.

So it brings me to this opinion or rather puzzling question. Why do we need to have elderly people as cleaners? Why do we need someone who we should have basic respect for, pick up after us? Aren't we able enough to do it on our own. While we climb up to on our ladder to success, do we really have to forget or step on those who might have been the foundations of it all. Have our heads grown so big that we have to shun on them? Yes, not all elderly people are hard up on life, some are enjoying their retirement and some are very well supported by their family that sometimes they too becomes big headed. I am talking here about the idea of making them do work that we could do. I mean cleaners in general, why do we look down on that job? It is as good as any other job right? It may not pay well but someone has to do it. We don't look down on contractors, we don't look down on laborers so why do we look down on cleaners? Imagine if we don't have cleaners here, will you pick up after yourselves?

It's not only cleaners, it's people in general. Or should I say blue collar workers? Look anywhere around Singapore and you wouldn't miss it even if you try to see how people treat blue collar workers. How high they raise the nose thinking wealth gives them the ability to be inconsiderate.

Another thing, It's no surprise, that we live in a country of self-absorbed beings who only mind about themselves and not the surrounding. Yesterday I saw a Chinese lady walking in front of me who blatantly puts her newspaper on the parapet while walking as if it was a normal thing to do. That's littering. And who will do that job to pick up after that lady? Right. Then I witnessed an elderly couple working as newspaper deliverers, stop at the crowded bus stop, again blatantly moving safety cones away from its position, did their work and drove off. So tell me, are we so oblivious to our surroundings that it is becoming a characteristics to be proud of?

I could show you stats right now of how most Singaporeans are the epitome of 'big talk no action'. I could give them a survey and ask them questions on their definition of considerate behavior. I'm certain that 75% of them would opt for textbook answers but how many of truly would walk the talk? We are beings who are afraid to make mistakes, afraid to be embarrassed but we don't know that perhaps others are embarrassed for us.

Sigh, what a world. Okay end of rant.

Moral Injection

2011-08-05T00:11:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the lack of update or perhaps the late updates. I am either too caught up with so many other things or I just procrastinate till I lost all sense of inspiration. So let's just get to it shall we, cause' I don't even know if anyone ever comes here anymore anyway. But hey it seems like I'm not losing anything right?

Let's talk cheer. As of today, I have to admit that my fear has finally gotten the better of me. I have missed two training sessions because of my forever failing immune system and coming back today makes me feel scared. Everything and everyone is moving fast, working very hard to make it to the tryouts and overall making it to the national team. Missing training is making me feel like I am being left behind and it's hard for me because I love cheer and it sucks to feel like you are not working hard enough. It makes me doubt the ability I have in me. It's killing my moral and infecting my thoughts of ever making it to the national team. I am wondering if I will be good enough, will cut it? Will all these be worth the while?

Yes, no pain no gain. Today was a bit harsh, everyone is trying to push to our limits. Today, I saw tears, perhaps. And I know what it's like to be working hard and not hitting your target. I know how frustrating it is to fail especially in cheer. It sucks because the frustration can either make you or break you. They always say all the blood sweat and tears will be worth it in the end. I really hope so.

Come What May

2011-07-20T22:08:00.000+08:00

I never really thought that my life is hard. Honestly, even with all the obstacle I have been through, all the sticks and stones thrown at me, the fact that I have been able to pick up from every falling point shows me how I could surpass anything at all. I have always believed that this is how it is suppose to be that even when the odds are down, the time will come when everything will eventually fall in place. Maybe it's that belief I have and the patience I have in me that I will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

But right now, I am not so sure anymore. Sometimes I wonder if it's better this way you know? To know how difficult life can get at a young age like this, thinking that nothing could get worse than it already is but somehow it did. And I wonder what all these means. Does it mean that when the future comes my life would be easier? Is it this a way to teach me how to be strong so I could face come what may?

Everything may have a reason behind it, I just wished I knew.

See You Soon

2011-07-19T17:40:00.001+08:00

We all know how hard goodbyes can be. No matter how strong we make ourselves out to be, we would eventually crumble when the time comes. We could put on a facade, tell ourselves that we can do it. We laugh at every joke and slapstick even though we know that we are still going in the same direction. With every step being closer to saying goodbye. I've experience a number of goodbyes in my life and it doesn't get easier each time.

I wish I had the chance to say a proper goodbye. No, I did have the chance to, I just did not take it. I knew when the time comes I might not have the opportunity to do so. So I am writing this to you. I know you'll be back in time to come but what breaks my heart or perhaps everyone's hearts was the fact that, that was our last goodbye to you till then. I know we don't exactly have the best relationship and there is so much more to be mended but I have never hated you for who you are. There are times when I am utterly disappointed in you but you and I, we can't change who we are to each other. I could not get that image out of my head, that heartbreaking image. Even if I could, I don't I think I would want to.

Everyone is still reeling it all in. The wound is still so fresh but I know that we'll get through. I'm not angry, I never was. I was just disappointed but right now I'm just sad. We all are. But we will be okay. Don't you worry, we'll take her hand and hold it tight, we'll give her strength if she needs it. We'll keep it together. You will always be in our hearts, so keep us in yours. If there is one thing I'm learning from this, this time around is making changes. I hope we'll make it better. I love you and I'll....

See you soon ♥

Dirt Rug

2011-07-10T22:14:00.001+08:00

You know what. This is me. I'm bad at making people feel better no matter how I try. I'm bad at giving admirable advice, bad at comforting people, bad at saying things that's on my mind, bad at making things better at the very least. I'm a klutz. I let people trample on all over me like a dirt rug over and over again. I let people make me feel horrible and yet say nothing about it. I don't like people giving me looks of pity or sympathizes me to make me feel better because it makes me feel even more pathetic then it did before. I am petty. I let little things get to me. I have the tendency to put people before me regardless the good or bad consequences it brings me. I let myself get disappointed all over again. This is who I am.

I am not happy most of the time. I worry a little too much. I over-think, just like everyone else. I over-react. People expect so much from me and I feel like I, myself am a disappointment. I have tonnes of questions. I question myself and everyone in my life but it's all in my head. Nothing ever comes out because I am scared of the answers.

I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of feeling like I am never good enough. I'm tired of feeling like nobody ever did give a care in the world. I might sound really selfish but really, I am just truly tired.

77th

2011-07-03T20:08:00.000+08:00

I know I may not be the best girlfriend int the world and I get on your nerves most of the time but to be fair you'd get on mine too. But with all the reasons aside, for the all the imperfections that you have, it does not stop me from loving you. And for all the imperfections that I am, I hope I am good enough for you love. I love you babe.

Forever and Always ♥

Battlefield

2011-07-03T20:02:00.003+08:00

The hardest battle we can ever go through is between ourselves. I for one, am very familiar with it. Every corner of it. It's not exactly rainbows hidden between the tiny spaces. It's not so easy to find the silver lining in every thought that comes.

How? How can anything or anyone else be good enough if I don't find myself more than enough for me, let alone anyone else. It does not help either when I see all that I wanted on someone else. This isn't easy for me, dealing me against me. I have never opened up on the reasons why I keep doing this or why am I going through this. Truth is, I don't know either. I don't know how to put in words exactly to confide in anyone.

All I can say is, this battle has been more about me trying to surpass the needing of meeting expectations. I expect a lot from anything and mostly everyone. I always want things to go my way. To put it simply, I would even got to the extend of planning my own surprise party. So when things don't go my way, I simply gets disappointed. This expectations can come from anything at all, envy, need etc.

It's difficult because every time things get disappointing, it makes me feel like I' not good enough. It's killing me, slowly. I feel like this battle is taking over me and its getting very exhausting.

C for Comfort

2011-06-28T21:56:00.001+08:00

Here's the thing about comfort, it makes you feel safe. It makes you feel like you are a nice place but the down side is, we tend to want to stay there, at comfort. Take sleeping for an example. When we go to bed, we tend to toss and turn until we find this comfortable spot and finally fall asleep. And when we reach the point of deep serenity, that's when the we finally stops all the hard work. Then when morning comes, we all have a hard time getting out from bed, away from that spot of comfort.

Just like getting too comfortable, when we get too comfortable with something or someone, we just stop thinking that we have reached the destination. There's a reason why I never like it if someone gets too comfortable in a relationship. There's a reason why I always seem like I am on the edge every single time, why I am a tad too dramatic and why I usually over-think. Getting too comfortable with someone can do a lot of damage. We sometimes cross the line without even realizing it. We stop trying to hold everything together even when everything seems to be in place. Most importantly, we tend to takes things for granted. I've seen, no, I've psychologically felt every inch of pain of being taken for granted just because someone think comfort was the destination.

Just because we are comfortable with each other doesn't me we stop all the initiatives. What happens to all the times when you try, the times you make an effort to take things onto another level and the times you want nothing but the best for someone? Are they meant to be left behind as memories? So what happens next when we all gets comfortable and stops trying?

Comfort may be a good thing, but I just wish some people would not take it for granted. Take it like a pit stop. An area for rest and when we get back up after a quencher. Just like sleeping, we get back up after a few hours of rest and we go on with what the day has for us, what we have to fight for today.

xoxo ♥

Lost In The Clouds

2011-06-19T11:16:00.000+08:00

I don't know what happened for us to be here like this. Maybe it was all the little things that happened, that created this distance between us. Maybe it's the indignation that I still have towards you. Maybe its all those times that we argued and it made me feel angry towards you or all those decisions you made without thinking of the consequences. Maybe it was all of that. We may never talk to each other anymore but that does not mean I don't miss you. We are at a place to high to be seen and saved.

It's hard for me to accept what we have become. I tried, I tried to make it better for our sake, for her sake but I can't. I can't be the only one trying, that is not how it works. Now the closest we will ever get to each other is just to be in the same room. Even that we have to try not to make things awkward. And the closest we ever get to speaking to each other is you talking to me in a manner I do not appreciate.

But at the end of the day, you are still who you are to me and I miss you. I miss the times when you would come talk to me, ask how my day was, how my life was going but now all there is are silence. Even if we do try to strike a conversation, it would be really awkward. I miss the way you would pull me in your embrace because you need a little strength. I miss the times just laughing with you. I miss you.

Even if is is wishful thinking, I still wish maybe someday, we would get back what we have lost. So this is for you. Maybe someday, I will find it in me to forgive you for all that you've done and maybe you would do the same to me.

I love you, always will. Happy Father's Day Dad.

Anybody There

2011-06-15T21:37:00.001+08:00

Dear God, if this is one of the ways that you have chosen to test my family and I, I will gladly accept it. I know you would not make me go through something I could not handle. This might be your test to see how strong we are as a person and together.

Emotionally and mentally, my mum is the strongest person I know. She has been put in situations I don't see myself surviving out from. But she did and every time she does I see her coming out of it stronger. Maybe it is just a front but I would rather believe that she became stronger. My mum never shows her emotions towards us, she never shows any signs of weakness but I know deep down, her heart is breaking. And it kills me, it kills me to see her having her guards up all the time and seeing her being so strong. I want to be there for her, I want her to know that I am always here for her, that she can always lean on my shoulders at anytime any day.

Today she told me something which doesn't really surprise me but I knew right when I heard about it, I need to do all I can this time around to help her get through this. I know she would not able to cope with this. You see, this isn't the first time this happened. The first time it happened, I was too young to understand. I was too young to understand the grief and the pain that my mum had to go through but now I do. I could see how hard it is going to be on her, on all of us. I understood the burden it brings. I understood all these emotions I developed towards 'you' because of this. It might have been such a turmoil of emotions all in one but I understood it. I was set on looking at you with such disdain for acting such recklessly and leaving us to pick up after your mess. But I could not, no matter how much I said or try not to bother I ended up being a curve ball. And H is right, even if I could not do it for you this time, I need to do it for my mum.

This time around, I hope you learn your lesson.

Self-Esteem

2011-06-14T22:44:00.002+08:00

Let's just cut to the chase shall we. H asked me today where was my self-esteem. Right when the question came out from the tip of his tongue, I lost it. I lost all control of my emotions and cried.

I had a good self-esteem once. But somewhere along the line, I lost it. It went lower and lower as I go. All that bravery I portrayed was not confidence. It was just a front. I learned to master a brave front deceiving others including myself that it was confidence. But the fact of the matter is it never was confidence, it was just a mask.

I'm that girl who sits quietly with her thoughts and keeps them to herself. I'm scared and timid, I barely voice out my opinions. I'm the girl who resist change, who is scared of trying something new. I'm the girl who rather just sits and watch than try. I'm the girl who starts to tear up because of high frustration. I'm the girl who bottles everything up. The girls who has so much difficulty saying no even if its or its not for her own benefit. I'm the girl just like any other girl who is scared of what people might think of her. The girl who gets so insecure that even when she sees people whispering, instantly assumes they are talking about her. All in a nutshell, I am just a very scared girl. There is not an ounce of confidence in me that can last a lifetime.

So yes, it hit me hard when H asked me where my self-esteem was. It made me feel like I was lacking something and I am. I know its not just me, I know that there are other girls and guys out there who feels the same way. This is sad, a sad truth.

Bring It On

2011-06-10T01:37:00.003+08:00

I have always had a thing for cheerleading. When I first started out, I had no idea what it is all about and what to expect from it. Back in USS, I joined the school cheerleading team; Sonix to find out what it was about and because it seems like fun. Starting out fresh from scratch is very intimidating, fears overwhelms everything but as time went on I started to grow into it. What started out just for fun turned into something of a passion.

I loved all the adrenalin, the company, the fun of it all. I love every single bit of it. I look forward to every training, to every competitions. So when I stop doing it for about two years, you can imagine how much I miss it. And it only made sense that now in poly, I decided to join the school cheerleading team; Gusto. I may be very rusty by now but i was really keen in joining because I wanted to feel everything that I felt when I was in Sonix.

Coming in to Gusto, I don't really know much of what to expect from them. It's a whole new level. The trainings are tougher and it pushed me to my limits of which I either forgot or knows that I have one. It was me starting cheerleading from scratch again. A part of me felt like it was tedious, but another part of me enjoy learning new things. But on Tuesday, I skipped training. I had no mood for it and that I felt restless just thinking of what we are going to do. I felt guilty, for skipping training because I made the decision to join cheer thus I fairly knew what I was getting myself into. I felt like the commitment wasn't there on me.

I went to today's training knowing what I'm getting myself into, knowing what we are roughly going to do. I felt halfhearted, believe me I was a few steps away of convincing myself to skipped training again. I even came up with the thought of quitting altogether. But I went anyway, I did all the things I had to do. Then at one point, I started to realize the improvements I made, from when I came in to where I am now in Gusto, of what I can do. I realized of how much I miss Sonix more than cheerleading itself that drove me to thinking that Gusto wasn't for me. But it was not about Sonix anymore, it was about cheerleading as a whole. I reminded myself of the reason why I love it so much in the first place. I began to have an open mind, put all my 'knowledge' of cheer in Sonix in a corner and started out from soil. It was like I knew nothing about cheer at all. And it made things a lot better, I started to enjoy the process of learning. I even managed to handle all the constructive criticism quite well. I started to see the reasons why I came back to cheerleading.

I felt bad turning my back on something I really cared about. I need to keep in mind the reason why I have always love cheer.

xoxo ♥

Take A Step

2011-06-04T22:33:00.002+08:00

Remember the times when we started to planned out our life? What we want to be in the future, when we want to get married, what kind of person will we be in time to come? At every point in life, we decided what we want to be, what we want to do. We look forward to the future, making choices on the path of our destination. Like passing our O levels and making it to the tertiary education of our choice. Then getting our diploma, work in an industry of our liking, be successful and find the right person we want to be with for the rest of our life.

Then we would come to a prime time where every step we take seems so much scarier that it should be. We make choices that affects our plans, we make detours and when we think about it, we remember how planning just seem so effortless but the journey to it doesn't seem to be.

I am now at a stage where it is not about clueless or unrealistic plannings anymore. The choices and the decisions I made and will continuously make, will affect my present and my future. It's not about having my head in the clouds anymore, its about waking up, settling down, making do with what I have right now, where will it take me from here. I admit, that I am scared with every step I make. It's going to happen, all those that I planned, be it then or now. I have to keep in mind that my actions, my choices and my decisions are my ingredients of who I will be or who I already am.

xoxo ♥

76th

2011-06-03T20:35:00.000+08:00

I make it a point to do this every time not because I am obligated to neither am I boasting. I am doing this because it acts as a reminder of how far we have come and it helps me reflects on the things we have been and will go through. And it also because of my belief in the little things. If little things can make a huge difference, I hope all my little efforts are building up like a giant sandcastle.

Things has been going fairly well, just that I wished this wasn't the way to celebrate our 76th. But if this is the way for it to be better than I just have to make the best out of it. We may be, well, you may be feeling indignant towards me right now but its not going to stop me from doing this. Who knows, this might be one of those things that makes all of it better.

Despite it all, I love you babe. I have been in love with you since day one. And I am truly sorry for what I did.

xoxo ♥

One out of three

2011-06-03T19:48:00.001+08:00

When something bad happens, it doesn't usually coming knocking on our door with a warning sign and even when we see it coming, we do close to nothing to stop it, yes? After all that is said and done, we had to learn things the hard way, time and time again. Even telling ourselves, countless times, to never repeat it again. Everything has a last straw, afters amounts and amounts of build up someone or something will bound to be the last straw.

I have never felt like this in so long and wishfully I thought it would probably not be coming back anytime soon. And when the last straw broke unexpectedly, I was the one to sponge all the blame. Truth to be told, I don't think I will ever get used to this feeling, this heavy shadow weighing over me, this guilt and the reflex action to be the one to do the chasing.

Though the chasing can be physically and emotionally draining, it never crossed my mind that I am obligated to. I feel like its a part of my role to make things better, that I know this well enough to make it right but why, with every step I take it's seems like I'm heading for the edge. It will come to a point of what does going the distance mean? What do I have to do to go in depth without giving up somewhere along the line?

xoxo ♥

Graduation

2011-05-23T23:54:00.001+08:00

I have not done a pictorial post for some time and this seems to be the perfect time to do so. Bear with me readers and enjoy the rest of it.

So last week, IS0904B and the rest of the April 2009 intake of ITE Bishan officially graduated with their respective certificates. I like the rest of my classmates, graduated with a certificate of Higher Nitec in Business Administration. If you don't already know I have been very excited about this graduation ceremony. It was more than just a commemoration of my time there. It mean a lot to me being in ITE, it has opened so many doors for me and has given me countless opportunities. That night proves to me how my hard work and efforts has paid off, how it was worthwhile. It also gave me something priceless, my kambz. I have never been prouder of myself than I was that night. I would have given myself a pat on the back. I had fun on that night even if time seems to pass by like a train. I had two of the important people in my life there to support me. Everything sufficed.

The best thing that I got out from there.

Beats me since when ITE had a school song. First and the last I shall hear of it.

So prooud of Moxie having their magazine featured at the Graduation and thank you for having is as a part of it.

My mum was there but there was no picture of her and I.

Someday

2011-05-15T22:38:00.002+08:00

I have been with H for six years now and just like every other relationship we have our fair share of ups and downs. We bicker and we fight but at the end of it all, no matter how long it takes we will make it all up. Point is, being with someone this long and knowing each other's family and friends, it is kind of expected to get questions or prompt on when are we moving on to the next level. And when that happens, H and I will automatically brush it off and say that we still have a long way to go. And I honestly feel like we do, we still have so much to accomplish. In addition, we both feel like we are still too young, especially me.

Though, H and I has had countless talks about the future, our future. We made endless plans of it and every time we do so, it gets really exciting. We could be doing something or conversing about something and it will lead to us planning for our future. Just the other day, we were singing to Marry You by Bruno Mars in the car and we ended up making a deal about our future, how H will propose to me and make sure it will move me to tears. I enjoy these moments because it made me see how much H loves me. It made me see how far H is willing to go for this relationship and to show me how much he does love me. And most of all, it makes me happy that H plans to have a future with me.

The future is what and how we make of it. H and I will definitely continue to make plans together. And someday I hope that those plans will come true.

xoxo ♥

Settling For More

2011-05-10T19:50:00.000+08:00

I have always believed that its the little things the matters the most. Its the little effort a person puts into doing something that makes a difference, just like how one point can define between being first or second. I have always looked forward to the little things that hopefully makes a huge difference in my day. But that slowly became expectations and expectations slowly became disappointment.

I have felt disappointed so many times I felt like I'm asking for too much. It made me felt unworthy of even the slightest effort. So I began to continuously tell myself to expect less, from anyone or anything at all. But that hardly happens, I for some reason have the tendency to hope for the skies.

I grew tired of all the letdowns and I'm scared to hope. So I became someone who is easily contented. I was happy with what I get. I am happy at being this safe. But does that mean I am settling for less? Does it mean that I'm stopping myself short for what could have been greater things out there?

Hide and Seek

2011-04-25T23:10:00.003+08:00

I am a person who doesn't handle critics well. I am very sensitive. I have the tendency to interpret what people say about me in a negative way, whether they mean it or not. Sometimes whether they pass it off as a joke or not, I have the tendency to take it to heart. For example, if a person tells me that I look funny, I would instantly feel self-conscious. I have always been self-conscious to the extend that I analyze every move I make. I think about how my legs are placed, how I eat and such. I make it seem that no one has a space or a need to say something about me.

This is not healthy but I have always been like this. The way I was grew up plays a huge part of why I am like this. It affects me harder when its family or the people I love that has a thing to say about me. A part of me feels like it made me a better person, the fact that it made me work hard to prove everyone wrong, to prove me wrong.

Ten Facts

2011-04-17T00:16:00.000+08:00

This is totally random but let's just do this for fun yes? Entertain me. I am going to be listing down ten facts(in random order) about me and briefly explain them. This should be interesting, let's start.

1. I find the dentists, offices and banks very scary. Its always quite all the time and routine-d, I always do not know what to do whenever I'm there and neither do I want to embarrass myself so I try to avoid it as much as I can.

2. I fear medicines referring to the tablet ones because I always imagined that I could choke on them and that they would be the cause of my death when they should help make me better instead.

3. I am not a people person. I hate crowds, I fear being in a room full of people and getting up in front of everyone to talk. Its weird because I am a very friendly person but I do not like approaching people, I prefer people to approach me.

4. I like the colour blue and I have an obsession with mascaras. I have tubes and tubes of it. Never leave the house without it, unless I'm having my specs on, outside.

5. I have am a diary hoarder. I have quite a number of diaries which contains my feeling, song lyrics, doodling and my thoughts that I still keep. Even now when I have a blog, I have a diary that still has so many pages eft unwritten.

6. I have a specific routine while I bath and I need to follow the same step every single time if not I would feel wrong. And I like to make sure I leave the toilet and myself scented.

7. I never leave the house without my wallet and my phone. Even if I have no money in my wallet haha.

8. I never liked mixed veggies even though I eat carrots, peas and corn. I prefer eating carrots just as it is, corn still as a whole after bbq or in popcorn form haha and I only eat peas that are like nuts, you know the ones from the vending machine in the packaging.

9. I need to sing sad songs when I shit. Makes the poo comes out easier even though my voice is like a crying hyaena's. Because I feel like poo-ing is a sad moment and that being sad makes my stomach churn.

10. I do not like getting my thumb print taken, be it at the bank or at the immigration area or anywhere that requires thumb prints because it would usually comes out as an error and I have to do it multiple times. It gets on my nerves and I conclude that my thumb is too small to e read by machines generators and what not.

That's all folks. Now you know a little bit about me even if you don't want to.

A Little Faith Goes A Long Way

2011-04-16T22:45:00.001+08:00

Last week has been overwhelming I shall say. Everything caught me a little off my guard. In case you have not known yet, I have been given a spot in Singapore Polytechnic to a course in Diploma in Business Information Technology. It is not my chosen course or even what I wanted but I am grateful enough to be given an opportunity like this.

At first, when I was offered this course, I was very reluctant to accept it. Given that it is IT and it is not really my cup of tea. So I sought advices and opinions from family and friends, they all told me to give it a shot. At the very least, I would still have a spot in poly and since no other poly has gotten back to me, I thought that it was the best bet I got. Plus, I started to wire my thoughts and told myself that this may not be the one that I asked for, but this is an opportunity for me to expand my horizons, to visit fields that I never thought of stepping on. Who knows maybe this is a path that will lead me to bigger things. And I have a feeling that I am going to settle quite well in DBIT, just give me some time.

Hence, I spent the past week enrolling myself into SP. It was a very taxing process and very frustrating too. Let's put it this way, school is starting on Monday and I have yet to get my timetable, my class and most importantly what time do I have to report to school on the first day, neither have I ordered my laptop. Because to do all of it, I need to go through the student portal but to have access to the student portal, I need a user id and a password. The school was suppose to mail it to me but I have yet to get it. So tell me how now brown cow? Not to mention that I did not go through the orientation. I feel so unprepared. I do not know what to expect, what to do. I feel like time is going to fast and everything else is going to slow.

Then I realize, I am complaining quite a lot rather that showing my gratitude towards getting a spot in poly. Alhamdulillah. I mean remember how affected I would get when I see people saying that they are lazy for the orientation and lazy to attend poly? I realize that I am starting to behave like that and I am going to stop that. I am very grateful that I got a spot in poly, in SP at that.

So this part right here is for those who was my pillar of strength, to those who was there when I found out that I didn't make it but still believed that somehow I would make it. They believed so much in me that sometimes it scares me but most of the time it just helps me to keep holding on and never give up. They are the reason I managed to come out from this with a whole new perspective. So thank you. I share this joy with all of you and I cannot thank you enough from the bottom of my heart. :')

The Lonely

2011-04-06T18:17:00.001+08:00

I have been holding off to put this up for quite some time already. But I keep procrastinating thus, the lack of updates. Sometimes I feel like I don't need this blog anymore. It's like I lost all joy of blogging, then again, most of the time I am just too lazy to keep this space updated.

The most recent update is probably regarding the final semester results and the outcome of the poly application. My final semester results were not that bad, some might find it very good but I expected more from myself and that is why I am so disappointed with it. I got my results for the poly application the day after final semester results were out. It would be better if only the results were good. No, I did not manage to secure myself a spot in poly. I'm not going to deny it, I was extremely devastated. It felt like my whole world fell apart. I had everything planned out, I was ready for it. But when it hit me that its not going to happen just yet, I broke down hard. I could not believe that I have to wait some more, I have to work harder to get to after doing the best that I could ever do for the past two years. I felt angry too.

But I'm lucky, to have extremely good support from family and friends. Its time like this that you start to realize who is really worth the keep. I couldn't thank them enough for being my backbone for the past few days, for giving all those wise words and trying their best to be there for me in their own way. Their believe in me that I would eventually succeed overwhelms me and it kinda scares me. I already felt like I disappointed everyone else who thought and believed that I would make it. I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone else if I didn't make it one more time.

Today I still have people who asked me how my results were, but it doesn't bother me anymore like how it did. What bothers me are the questions; 'So what's you next plan? You're not going to work?' 'Why won't you find a job?' Its not that I don't want to be asked that or that I mind. Its the fact that they do not understand my reasons. Its the fact that they make it sound like its a bad thing that I do not have any plan or intend to find a job and the way they assume that getting a job settles it all. I do not have a next plan, yes it might be a stupid thing not to have a back up plan but don't tell me all of you have back up plans in your pockets. I submitted my appeal letters so now I am just waiting for a response. No plan whatsoever. No, I do not plan to work. I do not plan to find a job. Why? Because I just don't want to. I do not want to settle for less when I know I could do better, even if it is going to make me walk a longer route to get to where I want to be.

My Answers

2011-03-24T01:20:00.001+08:00

A dear friend of mine posted a few questions that she wants me to answer thus this post will be dedicated to her (sort of). Shafiqah Sahar here are my answers to your questions. Hopes it suffice. :) Here it goes.

Q1: What was your first impression of me and has it changed after you know me?

I first found out of who you are when I first stumbled upon your blog through F. I do not hate you, I just dislike you simply because you were her best friend. I sort of judged you there and then. I hated the fact that, assuming, you agree to her actions and when I saw your pictures, I thought you were a arrogant. But then I met you. The first time I met you, you were so out there, so social. You talked to me like you've known me for years. And in an instance everything I thought you were went away and I found this person with a huge personality and I was so glad you nothing of what I assumed you were. I am so glad you that you are so social, if not we would probably be hating on each other right now. HAHA I hated the fact that I judged you with all those negative things and I am truly sorry. You are a true reason why I should never judge a book by its cover. You know I love you. First impression has definitely changed.

Q2: Would you rather be blind or disabled at 18? Why?

Honestly, I'd choose neither but if I am to choose between this two, I would probably be disabled at 18. Nothing against blind people, I would love to be able to see even if it means being short-sighted. Being disabled at 18 means that I've been able-bodied for the past 17 years, it means I got the chance to experience things. And not that being blind stops you from being the best that you could be but having being able-bodied before would only drive me to be better when I'm disabled, certain changes to adapt to but if it means getting to do the same thing that I was able to do on my own before is good enough.

Q3: If you have a daughter who got pregnant at 16 out of wedlock. What would you do/say to her?

It would probably be very disappointing to have a daughter get pregnant out of wedlock, no matter the age but if I have one that gets herself in that situation, I for sure would not get her to go for an abortion. I'll explore several options first, not necessarily marry her off because one she's young, she would probably not know a single thing about marriage. Perhaps just come to an agreement with the other party what it may be. If we intend to keep the baby, we'll raise it the best way we can. If we really cannot accept the baby, just have it up for adoption. I won't be harsh with my words with her, but just because I don't show my anger doesn't mean I'm not and she has to figure it out.

Alone

2011-03-24T01:20:00.000+08:00

These few days, I've been feeling rather lonely. Now that school is taking to a halt for the time being, I find myself missing how every single day used to be when I was still schooling. I had things to do, most importantly I have someone there to go through it with me. The first few days of this holiday started out pretty good. I have plans going on, I have something to look forward to, someone to rejoice to.

Now, I find myself feeling left out, cut from the world. I find people keeping up on track with their life, social life while I keep drifting back. I feel like I've been put in this position on purpose, like the every one out there to get me or then again, to leave me. It's like I'm the person, who gets to know last or gets to know nothing at all and appears lost in a moving world.

Other than H and spending my time with him, it seems like no one else is there anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with H and his sisters, I just feel lonely. Get me? This is a point where, you have so much in your head you just could not find the right words to express it.

I go on about my day doing the same old thing, a routine. Even the process of taking a bathe follows a routine. And it bothers me, I mean I like being in control but this routine-d situation is slowly driving me nuts. During the day, while H is at work, I keep trying to occupy my mind with anything at all. I do not wish to be left alone with it. Everybody knows its self-destructive. But then, I can't help it but to go to this dark place in my head convincing me to let it all be, convincing me to not let it get to me and in the end I find myself keeping a distance from everyone. I convinced myself that I should be bothered and maybe this distance would make someone notice me.

I hope this makes sense because honestly, I don't think it does. But I couldn't care less. Point is, I'm lonely. I really am.

Bitter Bites

2011-03-16T15:47:00.001+08:00

It bothers me that I have become such a bitter person. It is eating me up inside. I don't want to be so bitter anymore. I dont want to be overwhelmed by this dark soul builiding up inside of me. It scares me that sometimes I show no mercy. I need that light in my soul again. I want to feel happy again. I've been so unhappy that it sucks every joy out left in me. I don't want to be this paranoid, confuse person that I am right now. I don't want to be a sadistic anymore. Help me.

Part Two

2011-03-05T21:52:00.001+08:00

Like I mentioned on the previous post (read: for the record), I managed to take more than just knowledge from my time in ITE. I have gotten the best thing I could ever asked for and that is my friends, my girls especially. I am sure that this is not just a passe, that my friendship with them will go on even beyond the walls of school. We have been through dramas after dramas, bitch fights and a lot more to get to where we are now, to be who we are now, together.

We cannot escape the reality of school, no matter how hard we try to avoid it or how trivial the matter is, we have to face it. It was not always smooth sailing when it comes to friends in school, we all know how important freindships are to me and how I do not take them lightly. Its either you stay or you go. No here and there, somewhere in between. But I'm glad I found these girls for me to call friends. Truth to be told, I never did expect that the five of us would end up together given the circumstances. I never did expect to find a group of people that I could easily depend on. But as I always said, everything will fall into place eventually. And with us as prove, it actually did.

So this is dedicated to my girls also known as, kambs, thank you for having my back when I need you. Thank you for creating such fond memories with me. I am going to miss seeing you girls everyday, laughing our ass off at the silliest things, creating something out of nothing (mostly nonsense). I am going to miss the pranking we do to people, even to each other. I am going to miss the weirds thing that we talk about, the weird way we talk to each other. I am going to miss the monopoly deals, the feast we have, the endless photo taking (read: mostly ruining photos of others). I am going to miss the random singing, the random dancing and everything else in between. Thank you for being a part of my journey and for making it worth the while. I know that we will not end here, there will be more days to come. And girls, you know I am always here if you need me. Always have and always will.

xoxo ♥

For The Record

2011-03-04T17:47:00.003+08:00

I have been meaning to put up this post for some time but when would be better time if it wasn't the day itself right?

Today officially marks the day ISB'09 graduates from ITE Bishan. Two years have definitely passed by pretty fast. The journey has been such an experience that I am proud to say that I have been there. My journey in ITE is one that I would never forget. I have been through a whole lot of shit during my stint there but it has taught me a whole lot too. I am proud to say that a part of what I am now is thanks to ITE. There may be times when I was a little too playful than I should have, a little too clouded than I should have but I am proud that I managed to complete everything that I am ought to and did better than what I thought I could. I shall not deny that I worked my ass off for every module, I did the best I could to succeed. I wanted to show others who never believed in me that I could do it, I could even surpassed their expectations of me. But I soon learnt that, I do not need to prove to anyone else anything at all. I did this, as hard as I did and I proved to myself that I could do it. And I did it. I achieved more than what I thought I would from it. And I am taking out a whole lot more than just education, than just knowledge. It has taught me so much valuable lessons that could not be taught anyway else. It has offered me so much than what I could ever asked for. It had also given me so much opportunities than one could ever asked for. I met so many people that believed in me.

Some may think that it's just ITE, what can I do and where I can I go with that qualification. Well, what I can say to that is, you have to be there to understand and appreciate the value of everything that will be offered.

Honestly, I had so much fun. I made friends that would probably last with me through a lifetime, safe to say. I made memories that might fade but if it comes back, it would instantly light up my day. Last but not least, I may not be able to change the perception of others towards ITE, but my journey there has definitely changed mine.

xoxo ♥

Chained

2011-02-26T14:10:00.001+08:00

Dear Mr Sentimiento,

You have been haunting me for so long now. Do you know how bitter I have become because of you? I hate that you have to come back every now and then. I hate that you have to keep haunting me and there is no way for me to stop you. Do you kow how painful it is for my heart to keep itself strong everytime you come around? It shouldn't hurt anymore but is does. I hate the fact that nobody understands how it feels to be hounded by you. I hate that I could not tell anyone the reason you ever existed because I am ashamed of you. It feels like you are chained to me ankle and you follow me every where I go. And if I managed to lose you for a while, you'd find other ways to come back to me. So I hate the fact that at the end of the day, you never fail to make me feel like a complete fool.

xoxo ♥

A little thanks

2011-02-06T20:58:00.000+08:00

You have been nothing but the best lately and I wish that it would stay this way forever. Its like you read the insides of my head. I love the way you hold my hand everywhere we go, the way you would look into my eyes and give me the sweetest smile after a while. I love the way you hang your arm over my shoulders and letting me lean in to you. I love the fact that you took your shirt of to wipe my hair dry because there wasn't any towel, the way you comb the ends of it and stroke it when its done. I love the way you kiss me on the nose, the way you willing shared your blanket with me. And I thank you for all the little things you did. For painstakingly sending and fetching me from work, for giving in to my weird cravings, for getting me breakfast, for cutting my food for me so I would have an easier time eating. Thank you for everything. I will make it up to you, I appreciate every thing you did.

xoxo ♥

Sixth

2011-02-03T23:18:00.001+08:00

I like how things work between us. I like how we do not need to constantly call on each other, how we do not need to talk on the phone for hours. I like how we would give each other random texts at any given point time of the day. I like how we would spend so much time together and would still look forward to a brand new day together I like our tiny little arguments, not so much of the big fights we had though.

I like how for six years, I have never been tired of you and every bit of you even if it annoys the living hell out of me. For six years already, you are still the one that flutters that little heart of mine. For six years, it still feels like it was yesterday when we started out. For six years, I managed to love you more than I never thought I could. Congratulations on our sixth sweetheart.

Much love,

Nurellisya Sahdon

2011-01-29T13:01:00.003+08:00

Everybody has pride and everybody wishfully hopes not to get their pride hurt. The other day, I was indirectly insulted of my English language. As pathetic as it sounds, insulting me of my English language hurts me. I don't mind people jokingly made comments about my language especially when it comes to my mother tongue. I mean I am not proud that my Malay is somewhere in between average and below. I am used to people jokingly, whether they mean it or not criticizing my Malay but I really do not like if people criticize my English. Do you think I want to suck especially at the language that is supposed to be second nature to me? I'm not trying to sound conceded and boast about how good my language is. I am open to correction, after all you learn best from your mistakes. I know my English is not as superb as yours but I am proud that it is above average. I really do not appreciate you looking me in the eye and criticize me of how my language is not good enough for you. I have worked hard to be where I am right now.

A Constellation of Stars

2011-01-19T22:39:00.000+08:00

So lately, I've been so fascinated about the constellation of stars especially when the 13th star sign was added to the zodiac sign. Its not that I am a true believer of the horoscopes but I have always find them fascinating. The way it says certain things about you and as odd as it is a part of you actually believed it.

Since the 13th sign was changing all the other horoscope ranges, I went on 'researching' about it known as Ophiuchus. It sounds really off and I can't even pronounce it. I was reading on about how it was always there just that it was never included in the constellation because it was supposedly unlucky and there was actually more to it such as how the sun make its way around the constellation. Furthermore, unlike the other zodiac signs that associates itself with creatures like Scorpio with a scorpion or Libra with the sun, Ophiuchus is associated with a real person also known as 'the serpent holder'. The more I read about it the, more it fascinates me.

Then I went to read on about my zodiac sign, Scorpio. It was said that Scorpios are a contradiction. We could be the best and the worst of both world. We are independent and clingy, authoritative and weak, loving and cold, intense in and about almost everything, mysterious, stubborn, jealous, and revengeful.

After reading on about the traits of a Scorpio, I began to re-evaluate myself, or so you say it. And I have to agree that most of it rings true to me. Especially about being revengeful and self-destructive. It is not that I seek revenge every time but when someone does me wrong, I find it hard to forgive and forget. And when I do forgive, I hardly forget. I also noticed how self-destructive I can get especially when I am my lowest point. Then I realize that over time, I have become so bitter. I get angry at little things. I am less forgiving than when I was before. And it is not something I am proud of. But he things I do now and the things I used to do in the name of love are still on the same road.

xoxo ♥

Light As A Feather, Heavy As A Brick

2011-01-06T00:56:00.001+08:00

You know how light it can make you feel when you are floating on water? Its the only place where you can have the sun shinning in your face and at the same time feel as light as a feather. You do nothing else but enjoy the serenity of that moment as the water alters the decibels in your ear so you could partially shut the world out. It made you feel so free as you let the waves lead the way. Then all the things you have shoved aside came rushing into your head like a flood and you began to feel heavy again.

In between that peaceful feeling and the heavy feeling that came back and overwhelms you in an instance, you start to slowly sink in. You are left with a choice of continuing to let your body drown its weight down or you could wake up and face what you left a moment ago.

Tonight, I chose to let myself drown down. I chose to let the heaviness pull me in. All of this metaphorically. I am exhausted from what I had to deal with today. It may sounds so melodramatic of me, but I am indeed feeling heavy tonight and I had no intention of trying to balance everything out and make my way out of the water, not right away.

Auf wiedersehen

Seventy-One

2011-01-03T15:16:00.000+08:00

For what it's worth, we came a long way and it stills feels like it was yesterday. You have been a great sport and I have never been happier. Thank you for standing by me no matter what. Thank you for being so patient with me and accommodating to my every whine and wimp. I know I get on your nerves a lot and I would probably still do so, but thank you for still loving me the same.

xoxo ♥

New Beginnings

2010-12-30T12:45:00.002+08:00

The year is coming to an end very soon. And another new year shall begin.

This time last year, I was so reluctant to welcome a new year. I had a hard time letting go and was not anywhere ready to begin a whole new year. I had so many unfinished business or so you could say and I badly wanted to finish them all before I could start a whole new year. I wanted the year to be fresh, to be filled with new beginnings. I did not want to bring what was unsettled to some place new.

2010 has been great if not awesome. Compared to 2009, it is way better. Just like other years, some where along the way it has break me and make me to be the person I am today. Even if its just a small puzzle piece. I've had some great experiences and I made so much great memories.

This time round, I am more than excited to start the new year. I realize that certain things will stay the same regardless the year. I am still going to stand on the same ground as I have always stood on. Some things are bound to happen along the way and I have to, like always, work myself around it. I realize that I have not set out my resolutions for the past few years and I am probably not going to have them for 2011 either. I have decided to let it be, be with it, be happy and deal with it comes what may. I will let things fall into place they way it should. I will do what I have to, what I can, to make 2011 as smooth as possible.

Have a happy new year everyone.

xoxo ♥

Shade of Blue

2010-12-21T23:49:00.001+08:00

When I was younger, I strongly believed that I could have the world. My ambitions were as high as the skies. I trusted the ones who were nice to me. I knew what I wanted and nothing could stop me from getting there. I'd get disappointed but I'll be fine a moment later. I couldn't differentiate how it feels to be heart broken. All I knew that when I get sad its because of something trivial, like the candy I could not have.

But as I grew older, things were not so simple anymore. Climbing the ladder isn't so easy and the people I meet are barely trust worthy. It gets so clouded and I felt like I did not know what I wanted anymore. I'd get disappointed at the little things because I got my expectations up a little too high. And when I get upset, it's probably because my heart got broken.

Everything changes. The skies changes shades, the leaves changes colour and the people we once and thought we knew changes. And when I see that other side of a person I never knew they even had, something in me changed. I tend to see them in another perspective. The person who I thought I once knew is not there anymore. Who I see in front of me is a completely different person.

A part of me have grown bitter. I can't seem to find it in me to find that silver lining. But fret not, there is still a huge part of me that is strongly optimistic. I'm happy. I won't let the dried leaves from my branches poison my bark.

xoxo ♥

For what it's worth

2010-12-16T16:54:00.001+08:00

Everything is going so well. I've finally moved on and got over it. Then you had to come back, you had to relieve those painful scars I've been trying to mend and those heart wrenching memories that I've been trying to erase. You came back behaving like nothing ever happened.

Maybe you had your intentions. But why now? Why after I've gotten myself ack up again then you appear inmy life in the most unconventional way? Do you know the damage you've done, the glasses you have shattered? True, perhaps it is not entirely your fault and I should give you a fair chance. But I'm not willing to take the risk for that chance. I have to decided to move on from it and I am not going to let you come back, opening a door for me to go back to the past. It might give me some answers that I once kept looking for but it might also create doubts on things that I do not wish to second guess.

I can't move forward if I keep going back to the past. I'm going to be the bitch now and ignore everything and anything about you. Its bad enough that you have to come back and just because of that everything came rushing back. What more if I let you put your words in my head.

xoxo ♥

One More Night

2010-12-05T20:01:00.000+08:00

I've come to a point where my feet is up and I am just one step away from leaving. I am just one step away of pulling the line and let everything I held on for, everything I tied up keeping it together fall apart. But there's one thing holding me back and I do not know what it is. Every time, without fail. Every time I thought of it, something at the back of my head holds me back and I spent another night thinking. I spent another day dealing with this emotions I do not want to deal with. I berate myself whenever I thought of the fact that I'm not happy anymore. But I upbraid myself even more when I thought of the way I let you treat me. I hate the fact that everything changes over one thing. I hate that you treat me like an option.

xoxo ♥

Ball of sun

2010-12-01T20:26:00.002+08:00

To give me all your love is all I ever asked cause what you don't understand, is I'd catch a grenade for ya. Throw my hand on the blade for ya. I'd jump in front of a train for ya.You know I'd do anything for ya. See I would go through all this pain, take a bullet straight through my brain, yes I would die for you baby. - Bruno Mars

I realize something when I woke up this morning. The world doesn't stop for anyone and anything. Just because you're sad, you can't expect it to stop and wait till everything picks up. You have to make it work on your own. Initially I wanted to just stay in bed, forgo school, stay under the covers and just sleep because it seem to be the easiest thing to do. I did not want to wake up and deal with all those emotions while trying to balance out the day. But for some reason, I mustered up the courage to get out of bed and face the day. I can't be hiding out every time I'm upset, I have a whole lot of things planned out and some things cannot be put on hold just because I'm upset and I don't have it in me to do it. My life has to go on and I have so much more to plan out ahead.

And as I woke up and get myself ready for school, mum made it upon herself, cheering me up in her most subtle ways. That's when I knew, even if I can't do it for me, others are dependent on me for a better day. So I brace myself up and smile my day through even though my heart felt like it's been stabbed. Having to made through the whole day without breaking down especially with the guilt tagging to me all the way helps me prove to myself that I am strong. I used to doubt everyone who told me that I'm strong because I knew I was not. But now, I will be okay, things will be okay and we'll see how it will pan out. Things will pick up from where it left off, hopefully.

xoxo ♥

i need you

2010-11-28T14:26:00.000+08:00

I have a draft saved for you. But you might never get a chance to read it.

ticking time bomb

2010-11-27T00:05:00.001+08:00

I think it's common sense that you are to return the things that you borrowed the same way it was given to you. There's a reason why I'm always so reluctant to let other people use my stuff. I don't mind if it is the little things but even so it does not mean that you have to mistreat it. Call me stingy or what you may, I'm just very particular about my things. Are you willing to let others ruin your things even if you are the one insisting that they should borrow it? This is getting a tad frustrating and the patience in me is thinning.

I could easily tell my mum or my aunt about this. But I do not have it in me to vent my frustration on them. Especially when either way, it is going to put them in a spot and break their hearts, which will make me feel even more guilty. If you think this is very pathetic of me and that I am being petty and childish because I'm getting upset over materiality, then try walking in shoes, even if it is just for a night. And I am not trying to sing my own praises but the fact that I managed not to break anything in the room and get out of it being the bigger person and shift the anger somewhere else is a big deal, especially if you are me. So for now, I am just going to take a deep breath every single time and see how much longer I can last.

xoxo ♥

2010-11-25T20:29:00.000+08:00

When some girls cry, it's not over just one thing, it's built up anger and tears that they've been holding in for so long. They try to put a smile on their face everyday so that no one will see the hurt they're really feeling. Sometimes, the girls that seem the happiest are the one's breaking down inside. -Tumblr

I have been crying myself to sleep for the past nights. Things has not been sitting right with me. It's frustrating to be dealing with all this emotion at once and it's even more frustrating that I don't even understand some it. I'm tired of dealing with it over and over again but it seems like there is nothing I can ever do about it. I used to be able to deal with all this so easily once before but now, it's like I've lost all sense of hope. I don't even have my own room to cry my heart out. It sucks having to cry it all out in silence and it does not help at all. And I have to wake up the next day, breathing in the mild air and braving myself to be strong. I don;t know how much longer I can hold up anymore. Everything is getting on my nerves now.

Always Be

2010-11-20T23:54:00.001+08:00

I am who I am and I don't change for anyone unless its for the better and that someone is a significance to me. I'll always be the girl who trips over her own feet, always clumsy. I'll always sensitive, always find a way to interpret certain things or words that will end up doing me more harm than good. I'll always be the girl who has on going battles in her head almost every single day. I'll always be insecure and paranoid. I'll always be the girl who questions and gets scared of the answers. I'll always be the girl that will make you repeat what you say because I either did not hear you the first time round or I simply do not understand. I'll always be the girl who fears change and does not do well under pressure. I'll always be the girl find it hard to leave the past behind. I'll always be the girl who would stare at you and wonder about all the possibilities. I'll always have conversations going on in my head. I'll always be the girl who thinks she deserves more but you deserves better. I'll always be the girl who would put everyone else's feelings before her own no matter how hard she tries to put hers first. I'll always be the girl with big dreams, always a hopeless romantic. I'll always be the girl who would flowers in her hair. I'll always be dramatic. I'll always be the girl who wants things her way and will stop at nothing to get it, or would probably get upset if I don't. I'll always be the girl who wears her inner child on the outside, as a facade to hide away the bitter one in her. I'll always be the girl who wears her heart on her sleeves. I'll always be the girl who wishfully hopes for a happy ending. I'll always be the girl who secretly wishes upon the stars and the moon. I'll always be the girls whose imaginary friend is also he alter ego and her best friend. I'll always be me.

xoxo ♥

Better In Time

2010-11-20T00:20:00.002+08:00

Dear Mr Time,

Everyone has been saying that you will eventually heal all wounds and they say emotional wounds takes a much longer time. However, I've been waiting for months for you to work your magic but here I am still with my wound wide open. It still hurts the same, the way it first did. I know I should not just depend on you to make it better. I know I should do my part and do the things that will help me move on from this faster, do my part in any way possible to piece the pieces back together. It's not like I did not try, I did but I failed. No amount of band aid can seem to mend me because it's not only my heart that broke into a million pieces.When it happened, it broke along all the other things important things in my life. It broke the security I had, the trust and confidence level I once build up. Hence, Mr Time, you're my my only hope right now. I admit, I'm tired of waiting on you and I'm on the verge of giving up. So if you could tell me, if I will ever mend, please tell me. If you are absolutely and positively sure that you will mend me, tell me. Don't make me wait any longer because making me wait is like continuously adding salt to an injury. And trust me, my threshold level of pain is very low, I think even lower than before. So again Mr Time, I'm putting this in the nicest way possible, Don't Screw With Me.

xoxo ♥

teenage dream

2010-11-15T23:28:00.000+08:00

Lately things hasn't been sitting right with me. I feel like I could have been treated better or perhaps fairly. I'm not asking for a lot, I never did asked for anything out of reach. I'm not referring this to my relationship with H, I'm saying this in general. Life's unfair you might say but what about compromise? Why can't you go a little out of your way for me if I can do it for you. Perhaps if you would stop and see, I never expect anything much in return. If I can help someone out in a anyway that I can, I would. I just wanted someone to show me that they would do the same for me. Or if not, at least treat me like I deserve a little better. I just wanted someone to fill me in, in the little things.

Everybody wants fairness. I guess it's just life as it is. Sometimes you just have to give a little more even if it does not exactly benefits you.

xoxo ♥

janTAN and betiNER...

2010-11-15T22:00:00.000+08:00

on Sat 131110 @ 0700.

Grandmather: hey....anoooooo sape ni name bdk ni....tan oh tan...(jantan)
H: Ye nekk..
Grandmather: tolng nek long angkat periok ni...
H: letak mane?
Grandmather: letak je kt tepi tu...
H: ye la nek...

H: sejak biler name aku jadi tan...
Grandmather: nek long lupe la name korng..

came my cuzzie onie,she was wlking frm my room to the dapor..and then..

Grandmather: Ner oh Ner,tolng nek long pergi kedai beli kn cuker...
Onie: hhahahahhahahahahhahahaha,biler name aku Ner...
Grandmather: hahahaha...suke kau ehk.! nek long lupe la name meker...
Onie: hahahahahahaha,yela nek long nnti Onie pergi kedai beli.

hahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, Ellisya a.k.a the kerbau,is crying to get back her comp which i Muhammad Hattaillah stole it from her...hahahahahahahahahahahaha....bye!

Hearts on my sleeves

2010-11-07T23:29:00.001+08:00

For quite some time, I've been wearing my heart on my sleeve. I have no qualms opening up about what I feel, to who or what. I can come here at anytime of day or night and sing my heart out without any worry. I feel safe being open to whoever that comes here to read. I feel oddly comfortable seeking solace here and by the end of every post, I feel like a few stones have been lifted up from my shoulders, even if it is just pebbles.

But now, I find it hard not to feel too naked talking about things, even if it's things that I use to easily talk about. Now, I find myself talking in circles and all those thoughts in my head tends to stay in my head. I find myself feeling reluctant to open up here. Hence, the lack of updates. So here I am, trying to start from where I left off, trying to find it in me and start wearing parts of my broken parts on my sleeves again.

xoxo ♥

justice

2010-10-30T22:44:00.000+08:00

Just now I chanced upon a piece in the newspaper highlighting some concerns about the bad behaviour of poly students. For that I felt justified. Even if it is because of smoking or littering or whatnot. For once the society has open their eyes to a new perspective. Not that I'm being judgmental, I feel that ITE students has been put under the microscope for quite some time now and four out five chances out in the news are that of ITE students behaving inappropriately. I know someday, God's willing, I will place myself in poly. Therefore, I am not saying this because I am an ITE student. Yes I am partially standing up for some of my rights but isn't it time that the society light up against us ITE students. Just because they are in poly doesn't mean that they are perks of the society. We are not so different after all. It's not valid enough to say that because we are in uniform and they are not, and it makes it easier for us be identified. School is school, we learn practically the same things in school. We learn the same basic etiquettes and manners in school, it's a matter of how a person carry themselves. When we are carving our career in the future, what makes us or breaks us is not the fact that we are in uniform, it's how we carry ourselves as a person. Unless you need me to remind you the incident of those poly students who are dumb enough to post their nude photos online for the world to see. Maybe it's time the society should stop being double standard and assume that ITE students are forever rotten apples. To each his own and this is my opinion.

xoxo ♥

respect my privacy

2010-10-21T23:06:00.000+08:00

I am a very petty person and I am not afraid to admit that. I am very particular about a lot of things and privacy is one of the things. Recently, I have just moved to my aunt's place, because my parents decided to make a not so clever decision. Anyway, I won't talk about that and back to my point. With moving comes packing and then unpacking, knowing me and the type of person I am, I have a lot of things that I would like to keep and like to hopefully keep it private. But because of the move and the fact that I have to stay at my aunt's place until god knows when, I need to find a space for my stuff. The thing is my aunt has five children and three of which are still very young. With that, it is no surprise that their curiosity will lead from one thing to another. The point is, it is impossible to keep my private things private without having the kids meddling with my stuffs. Not only that, it is merely impossible to have a private moment on my own without having anyone invading. For god's sake, I can;t even find a room to talk on the phone with H. It gets a tad frustrating because I'm so used to having my own space where I can just throw my things anywhere and not have anyone picking it up next, fiddling with it and ending up ruining it or talk to H or anyone at all on the phone without feeling inferior or whatnot or just have a quiet space to think and write. I have not been updating my diary much these days because of the obvious. Oh well, I guess I have to start getting used to this things. But then again, I don't want to.

the final lap

2010-10-20T21:09:00.000+08:00

School has already started. It is already the second week now. I know, I should have updated about it earlier but I am doing it now aren't I?

So the time table this term is not so bad but I really felt that it is not necessary at all. The week goes on and on like a routine and I feel like I'm standing on a conveyor belt passing by the same old scene everyday in school. The modules this term are not so much of a killer and we are practically breezing through school one day after another. But I have a feeling, some where in the mid term, things will get a little hectic presumably because on the project management module. Yes, a module based solely on doing project. The good thing about this term though is, we have no final exam. No more days of mugging, perhaps a little procrastinating, and no more burning the midnight oil to study for exams. This is the final lap so let's enjoy it while it last.

xoxo ♥

one more time

2010-10-11T23:24:00.002+08:00

I know I'm going to sound like a broken record or probably not. Who cares. Like I said, lately I've been going back and forth to a place I hate to go, a space in a little corner of my head. I hate going there but it seems like I have no control over it anymore because believe me, I used to once before. I guess all that has happened has made a huge impact on my life.

Too much is going on in my head and it seems like I don't even know who I am anymore. Who I am today seems so fake. I have put a front for so long, I think it has became a mask of my own. I have even lost track of when I am being genuine and when I'm just putting up a front. I hate who I have become. I want to be how I used to be. I want to feel light again. I'm trying my best to hold back my tears as I am typing this. I know I should not but it saddens me whenever I think about the past and how it used to be. It was so much simpler then, everything was easily falling into place and even if it get out of line, I can easily find my way back. But now, if things go out of line, I hardly bother to even try bringing it in. Again, sounding like a broken record, I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm tired of expecting on things that eventually brings me down. I'm tired of hoping on things that might never happen. I'm tired of dealing with the what if(s) and what might have been(s).

Honestly, I'm really really tired. I cry myself to sleep most of the time. I may not look like it because I thought it would be easier to just be happy or at least try to. It would be easier wouldn't it? When I don't have to keep explaining to anyone or even myself. I'm not asking for much,really. Then again it would I would not even know where to begin. If only you could read my mind and the things that goes around in my head, you'd be sorry.

xoxo ♥

fvck life

2010-10-10T15:03:00.000+08:00

We can't please everyone and I'm tired of trying to please them. It's not like they ever stop for a while to please me anyway. One after another. I'm tired of trying to leave up to their expectations. I'm tired of them not giving me a chance and hearing me out. I'm frustrated by the way they always think their choice is better. I'm annoyed by the way they simply think choices and my decisions are not even as important.

for a friend

2010-10-09T13:56:00.000+08:00

I've been meaning do up this post for quite some time now. I guess the time is now. Since you did a very very sweet post for me (assumingly) hehe, I shall do the same. I know you are going through a hard time now and it does not seem to suffice having me to keep telling you to be patient and that Allah has got a bigger plan for you. I want you to know that I'm always here for you and for any one of you who needs a listening ear. There may not be much things that I could do to help you to make it easier but I'm always willing to listen and I hope it helps to lift up a little weight off your chest. Don't worry about me getting sick and tired of listening to your sorrows, it's the least I can do. I will always be here to hear you out.

xoxo ♥

results

2010-10-07T13:21:00.001+08:00

This morning, every hour, I keep receiving text messages telling/updating me about the exam results. While I on the other hand, just wanted to go back to sleep and delay the time for me to wake and take a look at my results. Unfortunately, I could not got back to sleep. So the moment I woke up, I grabbed the laptop and hurried to get access to the school website. While doing so, my heart was racing so fast it felt like it was going to jump out of my living body.

So the moment I got accessed to the website, I got more and more frantic because it was so bloody complicated to view my grades. And when I laid my eyes, the results, I literally have to take another deep breathe. I cannot believe what I was seeing, in a good way. It was really satisfying and it was way way better than what I was expecting. With results like that, it made it clear to me what my next step is. However, it saddens me with what mama said to me. I needed a little more support than that. What she said made me cry, just because it seems like she does not even supports me. But I'm thankful enough to have H telling me that I did good and that he would help me in any way he could.

Therefore, I am going to apply for poly. I will see what my chances are. And I would like to congratulate my girls for doing so well and the class for the excellent grades all together. We are truly the best class, in my eyes that is.

xoxo ♥

19 in 19

2010-10-04T22:53:00.000+08:00

In 19 more days, I will turn 19. Unfortunately, I am not that excited for it. I don't even know what I want for my birthday. I guess that is why. I told H about it and he told me that he knows how to get me excited and that he has a surprise for me. I got a little excited over that. I'm trying to count down to see if I will eventually look forward to it.

All my birthday celebrations are a little predictable, I guess this year I want things to be different. For the past few years, I've somewhat spent my birthdays in the same sequence. My family would probably get me a cake and we would celebrate it when midnight strikes. My friends would probably arrange some surprise in school. I might meet up with the gang, depending on their availability and I would spent most of it with H. I mean, I look forward to every surprise they have up their sleeves for me. Its what makes it really enjoyable. But I somehow want something different this year. I still want my time with H just him and I, and I want to spend it with most of my friends. Sigh, I don't know. I don't know what I want.

I guess the need to be in control all the time is really not doing me much good. I'm not exactly one who favors surprises. Truth is I fear them because one I have no control over them but this year, I am hoping for a whole lot of surprises. Its not that much to ask for right?

xoxo ♥

once in a while

2010-10-03T22:53:00.000+08:00

Since I'm waiting for Keeping Up With The Kardashian to finish loading, I shall do quick update on the night I met my favourite girls, Nowreen and Kak Desi. Well, Show joined us because he managed to finish work early.

We had a sort of impromptu idea to have a girls day out after so long. I think the last time we had that was two months ago. Hence, we decided we should meet and have manicures and pedicures. It was really fun as always. Laughing over jokes that might not even come out funny or even laughing at each other. They are the best I will ever have. It is always a pleasure enjoying each other's company. Anyway, after the mani-pedi, we went for dinner at Wendy's. It was my first time at Wendy's and honestly, the food there was good. Very nice. We headed home after that. It was short but it was indeed fun.

Next meet up, I want to make sure that the whole gang of six is there. Don't even let me get started on how long has it been since the six of us hung out together.

xoxo ♥

sixty-eight

2010-10-03T02:00:00.001+08:00

My first post for October and it will be dedicated to the none other. I honestly do not know where to start this time round. And I actually forgot about it, usually when the clock strikes 12, I will be the first one to wish H even though H does not usually reply me. Another disappointment. So anyway, let's just try and we'll see how honesty and a dry page leads us.

H and I fight a lot, and I mean a lot. We could even fight over the smallest thing, like, a watch or a mumble. And we fight hardcore, I do not mean that he is abusive la. We would each keep quiet and be in our own spaces until one of us cools down. We don't usually kiss and make up like others do. Once we've each cooled down, we'll just talk like nothing ever happens. That is if we are arguing over trivial things. It's a different story if we are breaking each others hearts. That could lead to days or weeks of alone time.

Sometimes I wonder how we even managed to make this work all these years. Especially with us both being really sarcastic most of the time. I guess to get where H and I are right now, you need buckets of patience, a notebook, sense of humor and a whole lot of love.

It has been some journey H and even though sometimes I feel like choking you, I know you're trying hard.

Forever & Always ♥

2010-09-29T00:27:00.000+08:00

Disappointed yet again. I just don't understand. Why does it happen over and over again? Maybe my expectations were a little too high. Maybe my arms were a little too wide. Maybe I'm more than just a little naive. Maybe I'm a little too imaginative. Maybe I keep expecting a little more. Maybe its wrong to have a constant thing. Maybe I could not accept change after all. Maybe it was you. Maybe you thought that this would suffice. Maybe you thought that I would not mind. Maybe you thought that this is good enough. Why couldn't I settle for less, you wonder? Or why couldn't I just settle for what its worth? Because I know I deserve more than that. But just how much is enough? I'm done being disappointed. I'm done climbing up so high just to fall again. I'm done trying to pretend that one day things will fall in place for me. I'm done.

xoxo ♥

formula one

2010-09-28T01:26:00.000+08:00

Day One - It started quite awkward because everybody was still new and feeling shy. I had Dee so it wasn't that bad. But in a matter of minutes, everyone got along well. We were instantly laughing and joking around with each other. Work wise, it was a little tough because we did not know what to expect exactly and was not sure how it would flow but eventually we got the hang of it. It was certainly very tiring, having to stand all day long for 12 hours straight. Even when the rain starts to pour, we whipped out our ponchos and stood there in the rain greeting patrons. I had fun standing under the rain though. By night fall, surprisingly we were a little more energized. When the night was ending, we said our goodbyes to the patrons. The day ended quite well, with everyone drained out but still looking forward to the next day.

Day Two - I woke up feeling exhausted. Nonetheless, I was looking forward for another day. With the aching legs from the day before, we stood in the rain yet again, with our ponchos of course. During the day, there was not much patrons entering or exiting our gate so we had time to mingle around with everyone there. I spent most of my day two entertaining the entertainer crew and vice versa. Which brings me to this, I got to get a glimpse of Adam Lambert, Daughtry, Sean Kingston, Missy Elliot, Alicia Pan, and many more. Mariah Carey not so much. By night time, it was a bit more crowded with patrons coming in wanting to watch the qualifying race. All that till midnight and we ended the night the same way like we did the other night. And I had supper with H before heading home.

Day Three - I could barely wake myself up but it was mind over body. One treason because it was the last day and I was kind of excited for it. I mean for the hype not because it was ending. It was the big day. I shall not deny that we were all excited. Even before the gates officially open, people has been gathering outside, standing under the hot sun wanting to be the first few to be in circuit. Unfortunately, the weather was a little treacherous in the beginning but it got better as time progressed. Time pass by quite fast without us realizing. As usual, we end the night like we always did for the past two days, only better. Jumping and screaming, taking pictures even the patrons stop and took pictures with us, laughing incessantly at jokes. As the clock strikes 12.30am, everyone gathered and said our goodbyes. It was bitter sweet. Hopefully, I will see them again next year. I told one of the entertainers crew that I want to be in their crew. Hehh

Today I woke up feeling really sore, like I've had intensive cheer training for three straight days. But despite everything, the blood, sweat and tears, F1 has been a really great experience. I am forever thankful top be given this chance and I would definitely do it again in a heartbeat. Gate 6 has been great and I would not trade them for anything. Last but not least, I thank H for chauffeuring me to and fro and willingly listen to my complaints.

xoxo ♥

2010-09-21T22:11:00.000+08:00

You said that something from the heart would be nice, so here it goes. When I first knew of you, I made pre-conceived judgments all because of a parcel in my life. And with that I am sorry, I shouldn't have done that. You're a great person, someone with one of the warmest hearts. And I am thankful to have known you. I am thankful to have you as a friend. We may not talk often or meet often but I know I can turn to you without a doubt and likewise, you can do the same. I hope we can still be friends down the road.

Happy birthday to you Shafiqah Sahar. I wish you good health, wealth, joy, happiness and joy. I hope you had a good celebration. I'm sorry I could not be there to join in the surprise for you though I really wish I could. Nonetheless, I hope you had fun.

Much love, Elle

2010-09-21T21:33:00.001+08:00

"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken - and I’d rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived."

summers day

2010-09-17T15:22:00.001+08:00

It's kind of nice to wake without having that voice in my head nudging me to study. With that it only means one thing, holidays are in. The third term has finally ended and the final term will not start for about another month or so. This term has been a crucial one but I don't know how well I did.

I've been thinking about this for quite some time now. It has been bouncing on and off my mind. As much as I want to continue studying, get a diploma and at all, I just don't feel like going to poly anymore. If one year ago, you to ask me whether I would want to go to poly once I graduate from ITE, I would without a doubt say I would but I would probably tell you that I don't know if you were to ask me now.

One of the factors that made me consider this is definitely time. Three years is not a short period of time. Yes, time will fly by initially just like how my two years in ITE is going to come to an end soon. But things in my life are constantly changing and I somewhat do not have that luxury. There are some things that I could not pass off just like that. Time is not going to wait for me.

I know getting a diploma especially from a polytechnic will actually give that boost in my future, believe me I thought of that but I just don't know if I can take the time to do it. Don't get me wrong, I never did regret joining ITE instead of getting a private diploma. It has taught me a lot, especially to get that chance to feel what the world out there would be like. Neither am I discriminating against those who took their diploma at a private institute. I am just a little indecisive or so to speak of what my next move is going to be. Should I stay a little longer and gain a little more or should I take the other path and start diving in to the workforce? I don't know.

2010 is coming to an end in three months. Since my result would be out in October and God's willing I did well, I would have 4/5 months to really decide what my next move will be. As for now, I shall not tax myself with this and enjoy the time I have to catxh up on my online shows and have fun.

xoxo ♥

been some time

2010-09-15T19:09:00.000+08:00

It's been some time since I updated this blog of mine. Ever since I decided to privatize this space, I have not been updating as much as I usually do. Some times I would come to this space and stare at it for hours only to close back once again. I even abandoned that poor diary of mine. I love to write, I still do because it was one of the best source of comfort for me but now the laziness just overwhelms me. These days I find myself forming sentences in my head and it usually stays there. A part of me felt like it defeats the purpose since nobody hardly ever comes here anymore. But I'm starting to realize that there is no way I can run away from it. I have always chose to pick up the pen and write it all down without giving a care about the world because it will instantly make me feel like a little weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Hence I have decided to open this space back up. Yea, I might make it private once again in the future but for now, I think I'm comfortable enough to let this public again. Maybe it might even help me pick up from where I left off and start writing my emotions out again.

xoxo ♥

2010-09-10T02:36:00.001+08:00

We spend our whole lives waiting. We wait for time to tick, we wait for someone to call us, we wait for the bus, we wait for an answer, we wait to be swept away, we wait for some one to steal our breathe away and we wait for time to heal our broken hearts.

I may look like I've healed, from everything that I've been through but the truth is I'm still waiting for time to mend me. I just feel like it's better to act like everything is doing fine rather than dwelling on something that will just break my heart even more. Though it still haunts me and makes me question certain things, I would rather spend my days trying to mend of what it seems to be. Hopefully time will mend me soon because sometimes I get so tired of it all, of waiting too.

xoxo ♥

if I am not the one

2010-09-09T13:28:00.000+08:00

Today I feel like crying and I have no idea why. I’m not sad and I haven’t gotten any bad news I just simply feel like crying for no reason at all. Ever have one of these days?

sixty seven

2010-09-03T23:38:00.001+08:00

Sixty-seven. I honestly never thought that we could have come this far. Because after all that we have been through, it's hard to fathom how we can even pull this off. Aside from the constant bickers about trivial things, the sarcasm whether we meant it or not, the way we get annoyed with each other, we do really love each other.

H and I may seem like we are getting along fine on the outside but our love story is way more intricate than the train map. For all the times that we let go of each other's hand, we would find it in us to hold on to it again. The times that we struggle to find the right puzzle piece. We have stood over at the edge of the cliff for quite some time now, it felt kind of nice to finally to stand on solid ground.

I love you H.

Forever & Always ♥

goodbye

2010-09-02T23:04:00.000+08:00

I am exhausted from everything now. My mind is in a whirl and I can't think straight anymore. I hardly bothers anymore. My mood swings are as wide as the ocean. I actually snapped at a total stranger just because he was smoking next to me. And a few hours later, I nearly had a nervous breakdown. I can't sleep well. I'm haunted by the same thoughts over and over again and I'm tired of it. My body is getting exhausted. I'm tired of trying to make it feel okay. I'm tired of pretending that I've mended. I'm tired of yearning on things that never happens in the end. I'm tired of talking in circles. I'm tired of dealing all of it on my own. I'm tired of everything. I need a break.

xoxo ♥

one night

2010-09-01T00:01:00.001+08:00

Girl : Have you ever stop and think that we could have come this far?

Boy: Actually no..
Girl: Me either. But we did. Are you happy with me though?

Boy: Yes.
Girl: I'm glad. I mean I may be a pain in the ass most of the time and whatever people say I'm happy now.

second chances

2010-08-29T18:49:00.001+08:00

They say once bitten, twice shy. That metaphor is proving to be truer than ever. I shall not deny that I am somewhat scared and traumatized from the whole rendezvous but I take my hats off to you though, for being able to top the first time round.

I find myself going back to the place where it hurts the most and it is certainly not easy trying to pull everything back together, trying to mend the broken pieces. But I'm having a hard time doing so seemingly because everything around isn't helping that much. It is starting to irks me that this 'thing' is slowly becoming 'okay'. But somehow I can't help but wonder what drove people to do this. Is it the chase that entice a certain kind of thrill? Does it satisfy a yearn or a need? And what made them think that it is certainly okay? It rages me when I chance upon something like this. Not that I am being judgmental or stereotypical but this isn't something to be proud of. Doesn't their guilty conscience ever bugs them? Or did every nerve endings that once guide them right from wrong glitches at the mere thought of it? The fact that they know that it's wrong but decided to put everything on the line anyway.

There is no such thing as having the best of both worlds because someone is bound to get hurt and the scar that it creates will forever be etched. You either appreciate what you have now because it could be the best you will ever have or risk losing the one thing that really matters because your judgement tells you that a second chance will come around if it does not work out. Reality is, second chance doesn't come around often and when it does I bet you that it is worth while hence, it isn't a good idea to even think for a second that it is okay. And the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

xoxo ♥

future comfort

2010-08-26T22:33:00.000+08:00

We spent our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future,trying to predict the future as if figuring it out will somehow cushion the blow. But the future is always changing, the future is the home of our deepest fears and our wildest hopes. But one thing is certain, when it finally reveals itself, the future is never the way we imagined it. - Grey's Anatomy

wishful thinking

2010-08-26T13:53:00.003+08:00

One of my girlfriends updated her status on Facebook and it got me inspired.

Remember the days when we were kids, we could not wait to grow up, be an adult, have that independence, that freedom because we observe the people in our lives having so much fun being adults. Now that we are adults ourselves, we find ourselves wishing that we were kids again. We miss the perks of being a kid again. When things were mostly so simple back then. When we'd get disappointed about trivial things but we'd get over it in no time. When it was so easy to mend a broken heart because we rarely get our hearts broken. When we were so reluctant to have our hearts in someone else's hands. When we would believe every answers they gave us to our questions, even if the answer is so simple. When everything out there looks the way it is because it is just the way it is. When the truth is what it is.

xoxo ♥

grace

2010-08-25T22:33:00.000+08:00

Have you ever had that one question that lingers in your head keeping you up at night? The question that has a mean cycle as an answer?

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if my decision was a mistake. And each time that happens, I tend to upbraid myself for even going there. Nothing is certain, I know that. I know that in whatever decision I have made, time will eventually tell if it was a mistake or not. But there is nothing I could do to stop all the pondering.

Have you ever had someone who can make your heart flutter like no one else could? Someone who freezes you up when things go out of line but melts you instantly when things are going so well? Someone whose on your mind all the time? Someone who tends to drive you to your grave or have you up to your neck with their antics? Someone who you love and find yourselves giving them chances time and time again because you knew or so thought that they deserve it. Someone who is more than what meets the eye. Someone who everyone thinks does not deserve you but don't understand why you can't simply let go because only you knows who they really are and what they are really like, because only you see the one thing that no one else can see in that one person. That one person who broke your heart once before but eventually you find yourself handing your heart to his hands again once it's somewhat mended.

H, you mean the world to me. I don't need anyone to understand. I don't need anyone or everyone to see what I see in you because some things are better seen through my eyes. I know we get on each other's throat most of the time but when times are good, I find myself immerse in that situation hoping that it would go in slow motion. I just need you to know how much you mean to me and my heart is in your hands. The question may have kept me up all night and the answers might not satisfy me but you kept me holding on. Even when everything seem like a mistake.

xoxo ♥

chaos

2010-08-24T23:37:00.000+08:00

What we call chaos is just patterns we haven’t recognized. What we call random is just patterns we cant decipher. What we can’t understand we call nonsense. What we can’t read we call gibberish. There is no free will. There are no variables. There is only the inevitable. - Chuck Palahniuk

passing leaves

2010-08-22T21:52:00.003+08:00

In life we are going to meet a bunch of people and we are going to have different types of encounters with different types of people. And out of those many, only a handful will become our friends and out of those group of friends only a number will become our best friends while the rest will just either be acquaintances or someone we once knew.

After all, when we come across either a sticky or sweet situation we would always come back to the ones that would stick through it all with us, that will willingly listen to our stories and give us their honest opinions, those who knows how to finish our sentences and the things that goes on on our minds without having us to say much of anything. Those who knows the stories of our broken hearts and the hearts we've broken. Those who would not judge our decision, on the contrary the support us no matter what. Those who are not afraid to let us make our own mistakes.

xoxo ♥

watch over me

2010-08-19T02:00:00.000+08:00

It's 2 in the morning and I can't sleep. So here I am watching Grey's Anatomy back to back somehow trying to find the comfort. But here's the sad truth, I'm unsure. Have you ever had those days where you're just unsure of anything, everything? Every decision you made, every path you chose seems so cloudy and seems like a mistake. Ever had those days where you feel this odd kind of sadness but sadly you don't know the reason why?

I hate this feeling. I don't want this to be mistake because I work too hard on this. I hate feeling like I can't handle this. I hate going back to the same place I hate. I hate having my imaginations running wild. I hate having to doubt the decisions I made. I hate not having the control to forget the things I want to forget. I hate going back to the past and I hate the fact that I can't stop that.

a personal abode

2010-08-17T21:12:00.001+08:00

I think by now most of you have known that I am prone to being sick. That is something I'm not taking lightly and neither am I liking any moment of it. I dread being sick just like some of you who dreads height or the dark or all those other things that you fear. Lately my back has been acting up again. While I have always had scoliosis, it kind of stopped a few months back. Now, when it made its return, it does not seem to spare me of the agony. When it first came back, I thought it would be gone in a few days but little did I know that it would escalate to this especially after the fever. Oh the agony.

Mama decided to bring me to see a doctor a fews days after I recover from the fever because I kept complaining of the back ache. Doc said that it was probably caused by the fever and gave me more painkillers. Medicines, another thing that I dread. Not like it makes me feel any better, well, maybe it does for a little while. Makes me feel a little loopy too. Hehe. Anyway, he also said that if the pain remain consistent within a month or two, he would recommend me to see a spine specialist. Oh, c'mon.

So now, I have been diligently taking my medicines. Haha, like real. I would only take them if I'm in real pain. Cannot depend on medicine all the time, I might become a drug addict if I do. Plus mama told me that if I take too much of the medicines that I am having now, it could damage my liver. Why oh why must she tell me that. Now I wonder, if ever *touchwood* my liver does fail, would any kind soul donate theirs to me if theirs matches?

I guess for now, I just want my back to get better. I want to be free from all the sickness. Breathe without worry.

xoxo ♥

Avid

2010-08-16T23:45:00.001+08:00

I don't know why these few days hasn't been easy. I've been plagued by the haunting images of what I want to completely forget, of what I've been trying to completely erase from my memory. Each time I close my eyes, there you are mocking me. Those pixels that joins together giving me that disgusting smirk. They say time heals all wounds. I guess they forgot to mention that it is still going to hurt when it heals too. The scar, be it physically or mentally will always be there to serve as a reminder even if we do not wish to be reminded. I clearly do not want to be reminded of the remnants that broke my heart. I know this will always be a part of my love story but is it wrong of me to want to forget this? Is wrong of me for not wanting to have anything to do with this heart wrenching memory anymore? Because instead of healing, I find myself trying to find a stronger antidote to ease up the pain, which, does not seem to get any easier. Some things are easier said than done. I just want this to be gone forever.

xoxo ♥

movie dates

2010-08-15T01:07:00.004+08:00

After so long we decided to have a much needed time together. Not our usual proper date but it is still a date. Hehh. We decided to have a movie date since we can't go out for a feast; fasting month. I initially wanted to watch Salt and H baby wanted to watch The Last Airbender and Salt so he decided for us to catch both. And we did. We went to Shaw House because H wanted to watch TLA in 3D.

TLA was not too bad but a little disappointing for us both actually since we are both fans of the cartoon. I just wished that it could have been executed better. The most disappointing part was the 3D effects which in my opinion was only the Cadbury ad before the movie started, the subtitles and the credits. Next up was Salt. For some reason, I was excited to watch it and had high expectations for it. Oddly, it surpassed mine. I think it is safe to say that we both enjoyed the movie especially H mainly because Angelina Jolie is the main character.

We headed home after the movie but bought our food to break our fast first. Head off to his place and break fast together. After that H decided to gave me a surprise gift, a kinky one. Haha. Overall, even though our date did not involve a whole lot of eating this time round, I enjoyed it very very much baby. I love movie dates with you or simply dates with you. Thank you for the very nice day out and the gift.

Forever & Always ♥

strength

2010-08-11T18:26:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you’re a good person and a good friend. What’s meant to be will end up good and what’s not-won’t. Love is worth fighting for but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and don’t lose something real. Always fight, until you can’t anymore, and then be fought for.

xoxo ♥

A short getaway

2010-08-11T01:09:00.003+08:00

Hello. I am back from a short getaway to where else if it's none other than St John's Island. The trip couldn't have come at a better time. I love how going there easily helps me clear my mind and the quiet, peaceful surrounding is so calming.

Going back there seems a little nostalgic given that I practically grew up there. My grandmother decided to rent out a camp which can house up to 60 people instead of sleeping over at her house down the hill. Hence, the family set aside some time off their busy schedule to gather as one big family. H decided to join in too, which makes everything awesome when he is by my side.

Overall, it was a blast even though I was still fresh recovering from a fever. Stroll at the beach, fishing till the wee hours, campfire, barbeque, staying up late playing card games, eating almost every minute, birthday celebration and cakes flying everywhere, swimming in the clear sea waters, sand war, feeding cats and so much more. It's no surprise that everybody came back feeling really exhausted. It is safe to say that this is one of the best family time we had in years. However, all I have to keep this as a memory depends on my brain power because idiotically, I forgot to bring the camera. I guess I'll take some pictures from my cousins when they post it up at FB and I'll show it to you guys here. Till then.

xoxo ♥

throat infection

2010-08-06T20:27:00.000+08:00

I hate throat infections. This year I lost count on how many times I fall sick because of throat infections. Can I have my tonsils removed? Yesterday, my throat was slowly swelling up and before I knew it, patches of aches starts to overwhelm my body. That only means one thing, fever, yet again. Today the throat infections, its giving me so many restrictions to eat, given that I'm always hungry. It was so painful to swallow my own saliva let alone swallow solid food. Imagine my misery. So mama cooked me duck flavored porridge which surprisingly, doesn't taste so bad. Taste a little like chicken.

Anyway, the only difference this time is that the fever is affecting my back real bad. I mean really really bad. It's like I need constant tight pressure on it all the time. I got home and asked mama to massage my back, it felt good for a while but the relief cream only work hours after it has been applied. Mama wants me to get it checked, go for an x-ray. I thought she was over-reacting but maybe it's not so bad of an idea. So I spent the rest of the day sleeping at home waking up occasionally to drink and pee or answers calls. I even had to swallow god knows how many different types of medication (blame mama) no matter how much I fear them and I think one of it is giving my face an itch. Anywhere but the face! However, it was a good thing that I did take all those meds, though it did not exactly ease the pain on my back but I think it help to subside my fever because I woke up drenched in my own perspiration and I feel a whole lot better. God knows how heat I was emitting.

xoxo ♥

my hands

2010-08-05T01:13:00.001+08:00

I can never stress enough how important trust is to any relationship. Trust is that bridge that links us together, that bridge that makes us easy to meet halfway. It is not easy to gain a person's trust in the first place so it's crucial for us to know where our boundaries are. Once broken, there is a high chance of not getting it back, ever. It doesn't matter how long you can know someone, the foundations of trust will stay as it is. It takes years to gain one's trust and only seconds to break it. Funny how these things works.

While things may have taken a smoother road, I can't help but to admit that, that trust I once had of you is barely there. It's not easy building that bridge that you burnt again from scratch, it's not easy questioning your every move or anything you say because for a moment when that bridge fell, everything else fell too. And because everything else too will sound and seem like a lie. I'm glad that we are moving on and that we are slowly creating new memories and building new boundaries but a part of me wanted things the way it was before. When things was a little simpler to grasp and believe.

xoxo ♥

sixty-six

2010-08-03T00:20:00.001+08:00

We may laugh, we may joke around, we may even bicker but never have I thought that we would have come this far. Whatever happens behind the curtains will remain behind. Whatever cracks we may have caused or open over and over again, stay behind our own hearts. People can say what they want. They can judge us and say what is right and what is wrong. They can say whatever they want but they don't have the one thing that I have. They don't know what it's like to be in our shoes. They don't see what I see in you. I will stand by my decision. Whether I am right or wrong, I'm the one who holds the key. Whatever happens, we'll get through it, just like I said.

Forever & Always ♥

mirror image

2010-08-02T23:30:00.000+08:00

I do not expect anyone to understand my situation even though I know they are sorry and neither do I expect anyone to understand the decision I made. I decided to follow what my heart tells me and even if it is a mistake, it will the mistake that I, hopefully will never regret. Because if there is one thing I learnt, in life it's better to make a million mistakes because that is the only way for us to be sure and learn form our lessons. I know some people might find me foolish but what do they know unless its just on the surface. As for now, I'm taking it slowly. Time will tell if i made the right decision.

Mentally, I was never a strong person therefore I am thankful for all the times when my life was some what out of line, my friends has been supporting me and helping me to stay strong. Thank you for doing the one thing that I was afraid to do; face the truth. I've been deluding myself long enough. As much as the truth hurts, I'm glad I faced it. And to my dearest Jen, please be strong even if you think you aren't. The girls and I will always be here for you.

xoxo ♥

2010-08-01T03:18:00.002+08:00

“No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater. The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. And that’s the key. It’s like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot.”

-This Lullaby By Sarah Dessen

xoxo

never again

2010-07-29T21:17:00.001+08:00

Everybody is going to get hurt some way or another. Everybody is going to get their heart broken one way or another. There are so many other ways to break my heart, never did I expect that you would do it this way. I battled weeks and weeks trying to delude myself from the feeling I've been getting. I've been trying so hard to prove you wrong but the truth smacks me so hard I'm still finding it hard to get up.

If you could see how much I'm breaking inside after what you did to me, I wish you would. If I could cut myself open and show how my beating heart is struggling to find a pace, I would. If you could see that crying out loud does not really makes me feel better, I wish you could. I'm finding it hard to grasp your reasons. I'm finding hard to believe the words you speak. If only looking into your eyes won't break me any deeper.

I don't have the strength to do this neither do I have the strength to let you go. Just give me time.

xoxo ♥

Dreamcatchers

2010-07-26T11:11:00.002+08:00

Dreams. Are they the doings of our sub-concious mind or are they premonitions? It is said that they are usually the opposites of reality. We all know the harsh truth about reality, then again why do we still have nightmares? Is it a way to tell us that something good is going to come out of it(nightmares)? Maybe it is the doings of our sub-concious mind. We worry too much, we ponder too much so on and so forth, with the things marinating at the back of our heads, its hard to feign that those dreams comes from nowhere. Perhaps it is caused by what we went through in reality. Sometimes dreams can shake us so hard it stays on our minds even when we are wide awake. We are left going on throughout the day thinking about it. Sometimes it felt so real, we woke up in disbelief and we spent a few minutes laying on the bed, staring aimlessly at the ceiling recalling what we dreamt of while trying to figure out what it really meant.

Surprisingly though, we as humans would then miracuously go about our daily lives like nothing ever matters. And as night begins to fall we prepare ourselves for another adventure whether we are in it or not. Because no matter what we believe dreams are, at the end of the day it might and will always be a dream. Unless we believe that dreams are as real as the reality.

xoxo

Somewhere out there

2010-07-19T21:43:00.000+08:00

They say the answers we are looking for are usually inside of us. We just need to look for it and if we look hard enough, we would find it. Sometimes the answers are right in front of us, we are just to blinded to see. However, here's the thing I do not understand, IRONY. how can the answers that we hard looking for be so hard to find when it is usually right under our nose the whole time. Perhaps as I mentioned above, we are too blinded by other things that we thought are the answers we are looking for all along. But why do we have to spent time, time that can be spent on something important, looking for answers that might be infront of us or might never have existed int he first place. Maybe I'm naive but I'm dire straits for answers. Patience I have but time not so much, because I'll barely have time to figure out what I need to if I'm constantly blinded by what it seems to be what I'm looking for when there is always a better answers out there.

xoxo

take my hand

2010-07-16T15:56:00.001+08:00

First of all, I want to apologize for not updating this space for quite some time. I know most of my previous post has been very depressing but I'm doing good now.

Things are slowly falling into place even if its different from how it used to be. It may seem slow but I just want to take things one step at a time. Let nature takes its course.

I was told and it's etched in my mind that nobody knows how our future is going to turn out, who we are going to end up with or whether are we the right one for the other. I can't control the future but if there is one thing I can control is the way I steer the wheel. The decisions I make and the choices I choose from, whether it is a mistake or not, at the end of the day it's a learning point.

xoxo

2010-07-08T20:15:00.000+08:00

I have a few post saved as draft. Will post it all up soon. Till then.

xoxo

a friend

2010-06-28T17:56:00.001+08:00

With the things going on in my life right now, there are times where I feel like shutting the world out leaving me and my thoughts alone but at the same time there are also times where I need a shoulder to lean on without having to explain myself.

The other day, I met Fiqah for dinner. Not surprisingly, I made her wait for me. I am very sorry for that. Anyway, I want to dedicate this post to her. The one person who is willing enough to be there for in my time of need, who does not judge my every move, who is not afraid to let me know the truth because she knows I deserve to, the one who is brave enough to let me ponder about the things I never want to think about, the one who understands and doesn't pry anymore than what is should when I answer her questions with I-don't-know(s), who knows how to complete my sentences and the one person I know who knows how taxing it is to put on a facade just to show everyone else that everything is okay when it's not so people will stop prying.

Given our differences and our background, I never thought that I would befriend you Fiqah but I'm glad I did. Thank you for being there/here for me. Likewise, I've got your back too. I love you.

xoxo