All I want is just a little time. Just the two of us doing nothing other than random conversations and counting the stars. It seems like the hardest thing to achieve these days. But I don't want to be selfish because you know it's always going to be you.

They say the older you get, you will know what you want and that it would be easier to achieve all your dreams. However, they forget that we leave in a substantial cut throat pretty paper country. We all have dreams but its the path we take that determines how we chase that dream.

I have so many people asking me what are my plans after poly graduation. Am I going to work or am I going to continue studying? My answer has always been the same regardless. I have made my decision for a while now that I am not going to pursue any further full time studies at uni. I decided to work and gain some experience. It is starting to bother me, the way people look at me with doubt when I say I have no concrete intention of pursuing my studies after a diploma. Granted to make it in this country, you have to stand out but has it really come down to the fact that we are all competing on whose portfolio looks better? 

I used to want to be so many things. To have my own business to be precise. However, I am at an age where reality weighs heavier than what it seems to be. I still believe that we need a balance of being book smart and street smart to succeed. That is probably my main reason why I am in no hurry to further my studies after my diploma. I mean education is infinite and just because I am planning to put it on hold after graduation does not mean I am resulting myself to be a failure. 

I have never seen a reason why I need to justify my decisions but right now I kinda feel like I am obligated to. I keep telling myself that this is all just a reminder to myself but a part of me can't help but feel as if I need to justify myself to everyone else. Plus, I hate the fact that I am letting peoples' judgemental effect affects me on my decision.

I am at age where I feel like I am lacking behind from everyone else. How people I know is moving on and achieving things in life while I am still here feeling stagnant. I have plans in my life, I have set places on my life timeline that I want to achieve. And honestly, I am exhausted of studying. I have been studying non stop from secondary school to ITE and now to Poly so it is a crime for me to take a break from it all and having the need to experience how the real world is.

All of these is making feel like I am such a failure and getting nowhere. As it I have not achieved anything much a part from designing a pretty portfolio.

I've been to this bad place so many times now. It comes and go but it doesn't get any easier. I don't expect anyone to understand what it really is or for anyone to even try to understand because, well, no one can. I don't know how to explain it either. It's more than just emotions. Bad things go through my mind and I tend to let them. I swallow everything in and settle it down, I guess somewhere in my mind. 

I'm not me when this happens. I shut everyone and everything out. I rather be alone because it makes me feel safe. I feel every inch of pain. I let painful memories come back and I would just wallow in this dark place without any need to come out. 

I don't know how long it will last this time. I don't know what triggers this and I don't know how to stop it either. I just let it consume me. 

So just how much is enough?

I never really understood what it meant with the phrase of "We accept the love we think we deserve" only until recently. I mean I know what it means in general and it such a lovely quote but I could never find that sense of attachment to it. 

I was thinking just the other day, about random things and about what people have said to me lately. I was imagining how different my life would be if I were to make different choices. How it would be if I had chose to walk away instead of staying, how different it would be to be with someone other than H and yet experiencing the same life challenges I am facing right now.

Then it came to me, like a moment of epiphany what it meant to accept the love we think we deserve. There can be so many things that I want to work out my way but life doesn't work that way. Bite me for thinking of what could have been but at the end of the day, I see myself with no one else. H may love me in a different way than what I expect but he is special to me. He loves me despite the differences in me and given the things that defines my life right now, I think no one else could have love me better.

So yes, perhaps the reason why we accept the love we think we deserve is simply because we feel that nothing or no one else could make us feel the way we do now. Get me? No? It's okay.