September 29, 2010 @ 12:27 AM
Disappointed yet again. I just don't understand. Why does it happen over and over again? Maybe my expectations were a little too high. Maybe my arms were a little too wide. Maybe I'm more than just a little naive. Maybe I'm a little too imaginative. Maybe I keep expecting a little more. Maybe its wrong to have a constant thing. Maybe I could not accept change after all. Maybe it was you. Maybe you thought that this would suffice. Maybe you thought that I would not mind. Maybe you thought that this is good enough. Why couldn't I settle for less, you wonder? Or why couldn't I just settle for what its worth? Because I know I deserve more than that. But just how much is enough? I'm done being disappointed. I'm done climbing up so high just to fall again. I'm done trying to pretend that one day things will fall in place for me. I'm done.
xoxo ♥
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formula one
September 28, 2010 @ 1:26 AM
Day One - It started quite awkward because everybody was still new and feeling shy. I had Dee so it wasn't that bad. But in a matter of minutes, everyone got along well. We were instantly laughing and joking around with each other. Work wise, it was a little tough because we did not know what to expect exactly and was not sure how it would flow but eventually we got the hang of it. It was certainly very tiring, having to stand all day long for 12 hours straight. Even when the rain starts to pour, we whipped out our ponchos and stood there in the rain greeting patrons. I had fun standing under the rain though. By night fall, surprisingly we were a little more energized. When the night was ending, we said our goodbyes to the patrons. The day ended quite well, with everyone drained out but still looking forward to the next day.
Day Two - I woke up feeling exhausted. Nonetheless, I was looking forward for another day. With the aching legs from the day before, we stood in the rain yet again, with our ponchos of course. During the day, there was not much patrons entering or exiting our gate so we had time to mingle around with everyone there. I spent most of my day two entertaining the entertainer crew and vice versa. Which brings me to this, I got to get a glimpse of Adam Lambert, Daughtry, Sean Kingston, Missy Elliot, Alicia Pan, and many more. Mariah Carey not so much. By night time, it was a bit more crowded with patrons coming in wanting to watch the qualifying race. All that till midnight and we ended the night the same way like we did the other night. And I had supper with H before heading home.
Day Three - I could barely wake myself up but it was mind over body. One treason because it was the last day and I was kind of excited for it. I mean for the hype not because it was ending. It was the big day. I shall not deny that we were all excited. Even before the gates officially open, people has been gathering outside, standing under the hot sun wanting to be the first few to be in circuit. Unfortunately, the weather was a little treacherous in the beginning but it got better as time progressed. Time pass by quite fast without us realizing. As usual, we end the night like we always did for the past two days, only better. Jumping and screaming, taking pictures even the patrons stop and took pictures with us, laughing incessantly at jokes. As the clock strikes 12.30am, everyone gathered and said our goodbyes. It was bitter sweet. Hopefully, I will see them again next year. I told one of the entertainers crew that I want to be in their crew. Hehh
Today I woke up feeling really sore, like I've had intensive cheer training for three straight days. But despite everything, the blood, sweat and tears, F1 has been a really great experience. I am forever thankful top be given this chance and I would definitely do it again in a heartbeat. Gate 6 has been great and I would not trade them for anything. Last but not least, I thank H for chauffeuring me to and fro and willingly listen to my complaints.
xoxo ♥
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September 21, 2010 @ 10:11 PM
You said that something from the heart would be nice, so here it goes. When I first knew of you, I made pre-conceived judgments all because of a parcel in my life. And with that I am sorry, I shouldn't have done that. You're a great person, someone with one of the warmest hearts. And I am thankful to have known you. I am thankful to have you as a friend. We may not talk often or meet often but I know I can turn to you without a doubt and likewise, you can do the same. I hope we can still be friends down the road.
Happy birthday to you Shafiqah Sahar. I wish you good health, wealth, joy, happiness and joy. I hope you had a good celebration. I'm sorry I could not be there to join in the surprise for you though I really wish I could. Nonetheless, I hope you had fun.
Much love, Elle
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9:33 PM
"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken - and I’d rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived."
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summers day
September 17, 2010 @ 3:22 PM
It's kind of nice to wake without having that voice in my head nudging me to study. With that it only means one thing, holidays are in. The third term has finally ended and the final term will not start for about another month or so. This term has been a crucial one but I don't know how well I did.
I've been thinking about this for quite some time now. It has been bouncing on and off my mind. As much as I want to continue studying, get a diploma and at all, I just don't feel like going to poly anymore. If one year ago, you to ask me whether I would want to go to poly once I graduate from ITE, I would without a doubt say I would but I would probably tell you that I don't know if you were to ask me now.
One of the factors that made me consider this is definitely time. Three years is not a short period of time. Yes, time will fly by initially just like how my two years in ITE is going to come to an end soon. But things in my life are constantly changing and I somewhat do not have that luxury. There are some things that I could not pass off just like that. Time is not going to wait for me.
I know getting a diploma especially from a polytechnic will actually give that boost in my future, believe me I thought of that but I just don't know if I can take the time to do it. Don't get me wrong, I never did regret joining ITE instead of getting a private diploma. It has taught me a lot, especially to get that chance to feel what the world out there would be like. Neither am I discriminating against those who took their diploma at a private institute. I am just a little indecisive or so to speak of what my next move is going to be. Should I stay a little longer and gain a little more or should I take the other path and start diving in to the workforce? I don't know.
2010 is coming to an end in three months. Since my result would be out in October and God's willing I did well, I would have 4/5 months to really decide what my next move will be. As for now, I shall not tax myself with this and enjoy the time I have to catxh up on my online shows and have fun.
xoxo ♥
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been some time
September 15, 2010 @ 7:09 PM
It's been some time since I updated this blog of mine. Ever since I decided to privatize this space, I have not been updating as much as I usually do. Some times I would come to this space and stare at it for hours only to close back once again. I even abandoned that poor diary of mine. I love to write, I still do because it was one of the best source of comfort for me but now the laziness just overwhelms me. These days I find myself forming sentences in my head and it usually stays there. A part of me felt like it defeats the purpose since nobody hardly ever comes here anymore. But I'm starting to realize that there is no way I can run away from it. I have always chose to pick up the pen and write it all down without giving a care about the world because it will instantly make me feel like a little weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Hence I have decided to open this space back up. Yea, I might make it private once again in the future but for now, I think I'm comfortable enough to let this public again. Maybe it might even help me pick up from where I left off and start writing my emotions out again.
xoxo ♥
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September 10, 2010 @ 2:36 AM
We spend our whole lives waiting. We wait for time to tick, we wait for someone to call us, we wait for the bus, we wait for an answer, we wait to be swept away, we wait for some one to steal our breathe away and we wait for time to heal our broken hearts.
I may look like I've healed, from everything that I've been through but the truth is I'm still waiting for time to mend me. I just feel like it's better to act like everything is doing fine rather than dwelling on something that will just break my heart even more. Though it still haunts me and makes me question certain things, I would rather spend my days trying to mend of what it seems to be. Hopefully time will mend me soon because sometimes I get so tired of it all, of waiting too.
xoxo ♥
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if I am not the one
September 9, 2010 @ 1:28 PM
Today I feel like crying and I have no idea why. I’m not sad and I haven’t gotten any bad news I just simply feel like crying for no reason at all. Ever have one of these days?
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sixty seven
September 3, 2010 @ 11:38 PM
Sixty-seven. I honestly never thought that we could have come this far. Because after all that we have been through, it's hard to fathom how we can even pull this off. Aside from the constant bickers about trivial things, the sarcasm whether we meant it or not, the way we get annoyed with each other, we do really love each other.
H and I may seem like we are getting along fine on the outside but our love story is way more intricate than the train map. For all the times that we let go of each other's hand, we would find it in us to hold on to it again. The times that we struggle to find the right puzzle piece. We have stood over at the edge of the cliff for quite some time now, it felt kind of nice to finally to stand on solid ground.
I love you H.
Forever & Always ♥
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goodbye
September 2, 2010 @ 11:04 PM
I am exhausted from everything now. My mind is in a whirl and I can't think straight anymore. I hardly bothers anymore. My mood swings are as wide as the ocean. I actually snapped at a total stranger just because he was smoking next to me. And a few hours later, I nearly had a nervous breakdown. I can't sleep well. I'm haunted by the same thoughts over and over again and I'm tired of it. My body is getting exhausted. I'm tired of trying to make it feel okay. I'm tired of pretending that I've mended. I'm tired of yearning on things that never happens in the end. I'm tired of talking in circles. I'm tired of dealing all of it on my own. I'm tired of everything. I need a break.
xoxo ♥
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one night
September 1, 2010 @ 12:01 AM
Boy: Actually no..
Girl: Me either. But we did. Are you happy with me though?
Girl: Me either. But we did. Are you happy with me though?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: I'm glad. I mean I may be a pain in the ass most of the time and whatever people say I'm happy now.
Girl: I'm glad. I mean I may be a pain in the ass most of the time and whatever people say I'm happy now.
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