White Lies

Paranoia

May 27, 2012 at 11:38 PM

I have had quite a share of being stabbed from the back but never by people whom I regard as family. Ever since the conversation happened and how it all went down, I have been so wary of every single thing whenever I am around them. I can't help but to take everything that is being said to heart, neither can I help myself from constantly feeling like there is a target on my back, just waiting for the knives to start coming at me.

I think the hardest part of all these isn't about the changing part, it isn't about the process either. I think its how I will always feel betrayed and having that influx of crazy things running in my head. Where every word being said is like a bullet coming right at me. And I don't know what to do. I keep freezing because I don't ever want to be doing the wrong thing but I can;t help myself to wonder and imagine the thoughts running in their head.

I am way past the reserved zone. I am now at wary. I hesitate at the slightest thing. Suffice to say, I am paranoid.

Unspoken

at 12:36 AM

I'm not the kind of person who suppress how I feel. For those who have followed my blog in the past would know how bi polar I am and how I would always come here to let it all out. Even if it means me going round in circles. I haven't been here for a long time, mostly because I have lost all sense of motivation to blog out my thoughts especially since I got Twitter yet I could not bring myself to delete this space.

I guess it's because I know that no matter what, I'll always come back here. I know that I will always feel a sense of relieve, oddly, after I let it all out here. Also because I don't trust that Twitter is much of a safe place to let it all hang out even if I have the rights to. Here, I feel at ease. I feel like no one is allowed to dismiss the things I say here simply because its mine.

********

Bringing me back to the point that I am here in the first place. For people who knows me, knows what I'm like as a person. I have a set of rules so to say, in my head that I believe makes me who I am. I try as hard as I can to please people and meet their expectations while still keeping true to my self belief. I am also the kind of person who say what I want and when I want to, which of course, doesn't work in my favour most of the time. But I don't see why is it wrong to say how I really feel? Truth hurts, everybody says that but does everybody actually acknowledge it?

I don't get how people can just assume for the worst. Not that I don't either but we all know how it hurts to have people assuming things about us especially if they know nuts about anything at all. It angers me even more to have people expecting that we will always put them first or that we will always give them what they want, expecting us to put our things aside to adhere to their 'cravings'. Who do you think you are? We all have our on set of beliefs, our own set of peeves but we can't expect that people would same line. What if whatever you're doing is their peeves? Are you expecting them to be okay with it just so it would please you?

Some things are just better off unspoken.

two cents worth

April 4, 2012 at 12:50 AM

I'm not one who would question someone's decision unless I see a need to or unless I see how it is affecting the people who are involved in it. I have always been a firm believer how every decision you make is a choice and if it is a mistake, it would because of the choice you made.

As much as I try not to get involve in the situation, I can't help to feel the pain everyone else is facing because of this decision you make. It pains me to see how everyone else bravely shrugs everything off and try to respect your decision, how they try to hide they disagreement of your decision and how they just want you to be happy. What makes it worst is the fact that I could not do a thing about it to ease that heavy feeling. Now it pains me even more to see everyone else especially to one important person, dragging their feet but still doing everything above and beyond just to make you have at least a decent wedding.

What hurts me the most is that, they'd do anything and I mean anything just to show you that they agree to disagree with you, just to show you they support you. And the least that you could have done is be here, for her, the one person whose heart is possibly breaking at every single choice you made amounting to this.

I just think that getting married is a huge deal and perhaps you have your reasons that I don't know and understand but what I do understand is the fact that you could have done a little more to show how much this means to you. If she is going to marry you, she is marrying into the family as well and I think it is only fair that she makes the effort to get to know the family not just meet once and then decided it's time to get married. If you can spend so much time being on her side why couldn't she put in just a little effort to visit us, to visit the one person who is suppose to matter the most right now. Imagine how would she feels meeting her for the second time and it is at your wedding? Imagine how heart breaking it would be for her? If I could feel this much pain for her, why couldn't you?

Like I said, these are all a matter of choices and at the end of the day, this is what you chose. I am in no position to question your decision, consider these my two cents worth.

March 15, 2012 at 1:26 PM

Whether it's taking each other for granted or people changing over time, the bottom line is, someone stops trying. The feelings aren't as strong as before. - Strangers, again.

Seventh

February 3, 2012 at 12:07 AM

They say the seventh year is the most testing year of all. you meet with all sorts of obstacles that will test if your relationship could withstand it all. They say you need to put in an extra an amount of effort to survive.

As supertitious as a person that I am, I don't believe that just because its the seventh year, I need to put in an extra effort to still have my relationship. I believe that every step is an effort. You don't just stop trying just because things are easy. There will always be an instance when things will seem a little hard but its just how we make our way around it.

I say, every year, no every minute is a test. Every step we take is a test and an effort.

*************

Seventh year. At times, I still get a little winded just being with you. Sometimes, seven years still feels like it was just yesterday. I relish at every embrace, I get butterflies in my stomach and I simply love holding your hand.

It amazes me still how I still find you amzing, such an astoniching and interesting person. I love how you would always have a vision for what you want and how you are driven to get it. I may never say it but you are truly a wonderful person.

These past few years with have been wonderful, despite the adversities we faced and would faced, despite the uncertainties that we need to overcome. I might get on your nerves a lot, well you get on mine sometimes too so I guess we might be even haha but anyway I love you for whoever you are.

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, an angel indeed. You have played a big part in shaping who I am today and for that I am grateful. I have loved you even more everyday and I hope you feel the same for me.

This might be a load of cliche but I don't care because at the end of the day, its going to be you and me.

Forever and Always.

Mind Over Body

January 5, 2012 at 11:50 PM

Sometimes I feel like I am not making any sense at all as a person, that I am too much of a paradox that it is ruining who I am. I am such a horrendous contradict so much so that I keep losing track of what I want and sometimes who I am. My mind is never constant filled with mood swings acting as quick as a snap.

I feel like I have this annoying alter ego in my head that drives me insane from time to time. It gets so negative and so convincing that I will eventually end up from where I first began or sometimes to even a place I never imagined going. I'll get this rush of thoughts that sometimes send shivers down my spine and I have conversations of so many things in my head. I'm an over-thinker and an over-analyser, that is the trait I like the least about myself.

I feel really useless most of the time and it can get really overwhelming up there. Its a dark place I can't seem to stop visiting. I don't know if it is just me, am I the only one who is like this. It gets exhausting but the more tired I get, the more it seems to be on overdrive. Sigh.

Because i love you to death

December 9, 2011 at 12:56 AM