Paranoia
May 27, 2012 @ 11:38 PM
I have had quite a share of being stabbed from the back but never by people whom I regard as family. Ever since the conversation happened and how it all went down, I have been so wary of every single thing whenever I am around them. I can't help but to take everything that is being said to heart, neither can I help myself from constantly feeling like there is a target on my back, just waiting for the knives to start coming at me.
I think the hardest part of all these isn't about the changing part, it isn't about the process either. I think its how I will always feel betrayed and having that influx of crazy things running in my head. Where every word being said is like a bullet coming right at me. And I don't know what to do. I keep freezing because I don't ever want to be doing the wrong thing but I can;t help myself to wonder and imagine the thoughts running in their head.
I am way past the reserved zone. I am now at wary. I hesitate at the slightest thing. Suffice to say, I am paranoid.
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Unspoken
12:36 AM
I'm not the kind of person who suppress how I feel. For those who have followed my blog in the past would know how bi polar I am and how I would always come here to let it all out. Even if it means me going round in circles. I haven't been here for a long time, mostly because I have lost all sense of motivation to blog out my thoughts especially since I got Twitter yet I could not bring myself to delete this space.
I guess it's because I know that no matter what, I'll always come back here. I know that I will always feel a sense of relieve, oddly, after I let it all out here. Also because I don't trust that Twitter is much of a safe place to let it all hang out even if I have the rights to. Here, I feel at ease. I feel like no one is allowed to dismiss the things I say here simply because its mine.
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Bringing me back to the point that I am here in the first place. For people who knows me, knows what I'm like as a person. I have a set of rules so to say, in my head that I believe makes me who I am. I try as hard as I can to please people and meet their expectations while still keeping true to my self belief. I am also the kind of person who say what I want and when I want to, which of course, doesn't work in my favour most of the time. But I don't see why is it wrong to say how I really feel? Truth hurts, everybody says that but does everybody actually acknowledge it?
I don't get how people can just assume for the worst. Not that I don't either but we all know how it hurts to have people assuming things about us especially if they know nuts about anything at all. It angers me even more to have people expecting that we will always put them first or that we will always give them what they want, expecting us to put our things aside to adhere to their 'cravings'. Who do you think you are? We all have our on set of beliefs, our own set of peeves but we can't expect that people would same line. What if whatever you're doing is their peeves? Are you expecting them to be okay with it just so it would please you?
Some things are just better off unspoken.
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