these walls
December 31, 2009 @ 3:37 PM
If I was given a choice whether to face the real world or to stay within the safest four walls. I would choose the latter. I'd feel much safer to be within the these walls. But then, reality steps in. Whatever it is, we always have to face reality. These days my body feels so heavy yet so light at the same time. I would just want to stay in bed, curled up under the duvet, somehow the silence allows me to think even if it takes all day. Every time my heart flutters, the silence always manage to calm me down. My room defines me in so many ways. Every inch of it has you and me baby. It hurts to be in it some times but most times, the comfort of those walls makes me feel safe.
2009 draws to an end. If you come up to me a few weeks ago and talk about the beginning of a new year. I would probably say that it's coming on pretty fast, too fast. Truth is I was not ready to let 2009 go just yet. I felt so unprepared. Then again, I am still not ready for a new year. So many things happen in 2009 and I am not ready to move on from it just yet. I can't just leave everything and move on with the new year like nothing happen. Maybe that works for everybody else but not for me.
2009 was a hell of a roller coaster ride for me. At times I even felt that it was too much for me to handle. It's not that I'm not glad I got to surpass those moments when I felt like dying, just that this year made me realize so many things - mostly matters of the heart. Even right now, as I'm typing this, I am no where near ready to welcome the new year. I am no where near ready to let go of what 2009 had for me. This year really took a toll on me, I made decisions that obviously affects every aspect of my life. I took major steps that changed a lot of things in my life.
Ironically, I am glad I experienced them now than never. Even though I might come out of these scarred, I believe I'm stronger than before. As much as I hate welcoming the new year; start a new beginning and those resolution shit, there is no way of stopping them. Either way, it's going to happen. So, farewell 2009 and welcome 2010. Horaaa. -.-
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choices
December 30, 2009 @ 4:22 PM
I need to take a step out from my comfort zone. I've been too comfortable and I'm afraid - comfort played a huge part for all the challenges I am facing. I've been too afraid hence I tried hard trying to live up the past, possibly stayed there for some time as well when I should be tackling the present. Fact of the matter is, I resist change. I am so reluctant to let go some of the memories, one because it's the only thing I have left to assure me that everything is real when things seems bleak. Two I'm afraid I might lose them forever.
But I know we gotta make a choice. Like what Dinah said " We always have to choose ". No matter how similar the pros and cons between our choices, at the end of the day, we still have to choose. Then again, accepting change might be a good thing.
Next up; should I go with my instinct or with what's best for me. Choices again~
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high school
4:13 PM
After so long, we finally set a date to meet up and do some catching up. Which is very much needed. Settled for lunch at Pastamania. As usual, I was the last to arrive. But my girls know me well, I am never on time nor early aye girls? Haha. After lunch, Dinah and Achap joined us as we chilled at the roof garden. Sat there, reminiscing about the good old days. Ah, good times good times. And so they say high school is still the best of all.
Everyone is all pretty now and Achap is all buff and whatnot. It was really awesome to see you girls and Achap again. It was a very productive gather, I shall say. Big hugs to all.
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December 28, 2009 @ 4:08 PM
That's the problem with us. We're both stubborn asses & always want to get our way. We both hate to be wrong & love to be right. But that's the thing about love. No matter what happens, we always come back for each other, one more time.- The Notebook
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do you, really?
3:34 PM
When things come too easy we suspect. Do they have to get complicated before we believe they're for real? We're raised to believe that the course of true love never runs smoothly. There always have to be obstacles in ACT TWO before you can live happily ever after in ACT THREE. But what happens when the obstacles aren't there? Does that mean there's something missing? Do we need drama to make a relationship work?
- Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and The City)
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could've been
December 27, 2009 @ 3:34 PM
A lot has been happening lately. Maybe too much for one to handle. But I believe I can go through this. I may cry out loud, until everything hurts but I'll never open up my chest and let the whole world know how it's really breaking inside. I may not know where this path will lead me now but I believe that someday, I'll find the light. I'm trying to stay positive amidst everything here. Maybe that way it's easier to figure things out. I am so lost right now, my feet glued to the ground not knowing which way to go let alone how to. I'm afraid of the decisions that I'm going to make, how it will affect the future. But every time I think about the future, I'm reminded of your words. You said that we should never need to worry about the future so much because now is what really matters.
Your other words hurt me deep but I know it can never hold a candle to what I've put you through. I'm grateful that you are still willing to stick around. It's clear now that some things are never going to happen. All those hope I clung on to for so long; crushed. Its time I let it go so that I would not put on so much hope only to be greeted with disappointment. Maybe knowing what to expect now, I could see things clearer. I want things to be better between us. I want us to be alright again. I love you, more than you could ever know and I want you see that I will do whatever it takes.
Stop looking at my flaws.
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yesterday
December 25, 2009 @ 6:53 PM
Hate is easy.
Love takes courage.
I'm sorry, you deserve better,
than someone like me.
Love takes courage.
I'm sorry, you deserve better,
than someone like me.
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stencil
December 24, 2009 @ 12:35 AM
(click for a larger view)
It's funny how I hardly believes in all this but what it states really felt like it hits a raw nerve. Today was down right intense. It was hard to fathom my feelings today. Oh the nagging feeling. It couldn't get any truer when it mentions that the challenges I faced today was/is "something deeply personal or sensitive" and it really hits the nail on how I would react to it. Then again, I have never been good with reactions, maybe that's why it affects me as much. Another thing was the irony on how CHANGE has to be a necessity when I, for some reason, feels like there's too many changes going on already. However I have to agree; in order for me to let things go easy, I have to allow change to step in. Oh dear~
It's funny how I hardly believes in all this but what it states really felt like it hits a raw nerve. Today was down right intense. It was hard to fathom my feelings today. Oh the nagging feeling. It couldn't get any truer when it mentions that the challenges I faced today was/is "something deeply personal or sensitive" and it really hits the nail on how I would react to it. Then again, I have never been good with reactions, maybe that's why it affects me as much. Another thing was the irony on how CHANGE has to be a necessity when I, for some reason, feels like there's too many changes going on already. However I have to agree; in order for me to let things go easy, I have to allow change to step in. Oh dear~
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clearer now
December 23, 2009 @ 1:18 AM
Back like you never broke~ Change happens all the time. There's no way stopping it even if you try to slow it down. We just have to suck it up and deal with it. It's hard to fathom how things would really work out now when they change but I realize that there's no point dwelling on it. Trying to live up to the past that was once what it used to be. No matter how much it really sucks we all know once change steps in, there is now way of getting back what we lost. No doubt, I miss a lot of things between us. I miss all the what used to be(s). As much as I hate this nagging feeling, I know instead of hoping that one day that things will get back to how they were, I told myself to move forward and tackle what we have now before I get my hopes crush. I guess with time on our side, we or should I say, I would get use to it somehow some day. I'm slowly seeing a clearer picture even though getting to one decision feels like a milestone. It's hard especially for me baby, but give me time. I'll pull through.
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December 21, 2009 @ 12:47 PM
" I love you," I whispered.
" You are my life now," he simply answered.
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rock princess
December 20, 2009 @ 11:24 PM
I really want to do a proper update but I'm so shagged, it's indescribable. I don't even know how I can possibly be sitting here and let my fingers do the dancing. I'll do a proper one when I'm recharged or when I feel like it. Adios for now.
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twi-saga
December 17, 2009 @ 11:44 PM
Like Jannah used to get me hooked on Remembering Sunday, she now got me hooked on Twilight, more or so - Edward Cullen.
" You're the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever. "
Baby can you say what Edward said?
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shopping
10:51 PM
practically like sistersAfter lunch we continued with the shopping spree. Steve Madden was having a freaking sale and my babygirl bought a pair of Steve Madden shoe for sixty dollars, part of her 'hantaran' that is. A freaking steal I tell you. Nowreen and I was so jealous. I want a pair of Steve Madden and I shall get mine. Well, long story short, most of the things on babygirl's list can be ticked now. Next up, bridesmaid dresses? hehh.
Overall, I had great time with my bestfriends. Let's hit the beach soon babies. Love you girls. Will be working from tomorrow onwards. -.-
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painted faces
December 14, 2009 @ 1:27 PM
I would rather live in denial than face the brutal truth. Why? Because the truth hurts me bad. It triumphs over everything I stood for and mostly because it involves you. I'll get over it sooner or later. Just give me some time.
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zombie much
December 13, 2009 @ 8:11 PM
Yesterday, went out to town in the late afternoon with my askar boy to meet his dear bestfriend, Hafiz Jumiri. Bumped with his sister there. Long story short, we just chilled, laughed and talk. The night was still young on a Saturday. Baby wanted to hit ZoukOut, knowing me I was indifferent. Oh people, please get over the fact that I don't smoke, drink, get wasted and do clubs. Nothing against people who does, just that it shouldn't bother you why I don't do that stuff when I don't bother about you doing it. I need to get a hold on my emotions man. I think I've got a mild syndrome of bi polar, or at least I assume that I do. Emotions and anger issues are two different things people. I got over it though. So we made an unexpected plan to catch a midnight movie together with Baby and his sister and his sister's friend. We watched Zombieland. A hilariously gore movie I shall say. But worth every cent.
Speaking of zombies, I am feeling like one myself. Since Thursday, my ass has not been home before midnight strikes. I am having so much fun. Yknow lah, the holidays are here mah. Now the tiredness has finally caught up with me. So lethargic. I think when everybody is off at work tomorrow, I'll be such a pig at home. Sleep sleep sleep.
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jingles
December 12, 2009 @ 4:40 PM
(click on the pic for a larger view)H O L I D A Y S.
Read that. Yes, the holidays are here. Like finally and I can pretty much sense that it would be an awesome one. What heck, it already started awesome. Its been far too long that my life has been more or less similar to the picture above and it is about time for some fun to start rolling in. For now, I wish December could slow down a tinsy bit. Let me savor the moments left with my loved ones, create more memories before a whole new year starts because I am already not liking January. Other than our dearest Jenny's birthday and our bake sale, January is going to suck balls because my askar boy will be off to Taiwan for three and half weeks. Bummer much. But still...
Labels: editted
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my askar boy
December 10, 2009 @ 4:15 PM
(grabbed form cik ana's album)My askar boy turned 20 today even though he still insist that he is 18. Always know that I'll be here no matter what. I'll do whatever it takes to hopefully lessen your burden. I'll always try to help in whichever means I can. It was really wonderful to see you so happy on your 20th and I'm glad I could be apart of it. I know I'm hard to handle most of the times. Baby, I hope you had a ball of time on your birthday. I hope you enjoy your time with me and love the surprise I had for you. I hope you love the gifts you got and I'm sorry if I couldn't get you that thing that you had always wanted. I love you always and forever.
xoxo
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sunday love
December 8, 2009 @ 10:03 PM
See how young we were then? haha. Actually not much difference. I miss that lover boy of mine. I have not met him since god knows when. Things are still kind of shaky between us but I like to believe that we are making progress. At least better than before. I'm taking it one step at a time. Each day his words keep ringing in my head and I make sure that I start off my day by etching those words in my brain. I really hope to see you soon honey.
Nonetheless, I can't comprehend why I am so restless today. I practically took a nap in every class. Needless to say though, I had a ball of time in school with the girls, well my girls. And I had a ball of time with Md Haziq too. Miss that little munchkin.
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traitor
December 7, 2009 @ 9:05 PM
Okay, whatever. I don't give a flying duck about you or your stories. I seriously has had enough of your stories that you might pulled out from your behind just to have something to talk about. We all know it by now. I don't get why you try so hard to be me, go to all lengths to have what I have. If you have not seen it yet all, news flash honey. You can never be like me no matter how hard you try love. There can only be one me. Stop trying so hard, you're not impressing anyone, certainly not me. If you are skeptical about us, then go on ahead and be with your prissy little friends. We don't need to know anything or want to know anything. Better realize where you're steering your wheel fast or you might as well fall down the drain. By then, no one, I repeat no one will come for you.
p/s: Baby I miss you a whole hell of a lot!
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ghost whisperer
December 6, 2009 @ 3:12 PM
Ghost Whisperer Season 5 is out! Like finally right? I have been waiting for it since forever. Caught the first episode and I cannot wait for more. So if you see me online this few days, I would probably be busy watching an episode or two of the aforementioned show. Hence try to resist disturbing me. :)
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moon
December 5, 2009 @ 3:38 PM
" It's time where everything else take a back seat while I steer on to fix my love life. "
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make or break
December 4, 2009 @ 9:14 PM
This week has been rough, a real roller coaster ride. Too much has been happening at one go and being sick for the whole week is just the icing on a disaster cake. My priorities were going out of line. I was technically suffocating. Finally when most things on the list are checked, I can breathe a little. My body finally felt the energy loss, I was shagged, still am actually. I felt light but yet so heavily burdened at the same time. I need all the rest I can get.
Time to really focus on my love life. It suffered the most amongst everything else.
I hope the next week will be better, I really do.
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plagiarism
12:51 AM
Isn't it funny how technology works? With just a click of a button, you can easily get a duplicate. Even so, after duplicating my words, at least give me the benefit of the doubt and credit me. Even if its the smallest font size, I'll be fine with it. But don't go on grabbing and taking credit for it. I know I have silent readers but I thought they were just too free and decided spent their time reading this blog of mine. Plagiarism ain't cool kids.
'I tolerate cats except copycats.'
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fifty-eight
December 3, 2009 @ 9:52 PM
You used to say that I have the most beautiful eyes. You said I should not hide them. How I wish we could go back to the times when everything was so easy for us, when everything was the sweetest thing ever and when we were always on cloud nine all the time. We grew stronger, no doubt about that. Our love grew, we felt that every time it does, I know I did. You used to say that you'll love me always and forever. Forever may seem bleak now but I have faith in always. I love it when you call me fat and call me names. I know you don't mean it. I love the way you joke about things. You are stronger than you think you are baby. I've seen you pick yourself up each time you fall. I've seen you struggle to put on a brave front with hopes that everything will be okay. I love the way you smile, the smile that can light up my entire life. A presence like the sun, that warm up my heart. A touch so tender that it gives me goosebumps. I love how you manage to keep everything together when it seems to be falling apart. Thank you for being there for me, keeping me strong, guiding me through my rights and wrong and is still willing to stick it with me knowing how hard I can be. Being patient enough to handle my tantrums and my shit.
Happy 58th Baby.
I love you.
I love you.
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December 2, 2009 @ 6:04 PM
sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick.
uncool.
uncool.
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