We all have an alter ego, some even have it on like a mask. We put it on and we play the infamous pretend game that the world has come to know and love. With it, we became someone who we thought we could never be, we put it on to fit in, to easily adapt in uncomfortable environments. It's as if with that mask, we gain some kind of self-confidence we never had. At least we thought we did. What we don't realize is that, the longer we leave the mask on, the easier it is to be our face.

I've said it once and I will say it again here. Trust is a huge deal for me. Lose it and you will have a hard time getting it back. That applies to everyone in my life. I know I can't stop tongues from wagging but I can change what people think of me. I have had friend stab me in the back, friends bitch about me and pretend like nothing ever happened, friends just use me for their own benefits. Even after all those time they pushed me down, I'm able to pick myself up.

I realize that it is an understatement when they say, they older you are the wiser you get. To me, it depends on who the person is. Some channel that child in them way to much that they come across being very childish. Some just made wrong decisions because they were not thinking straight.

You know, after all that, it made me realize who is worth it and who is not. I used to think that I could not afford to lose friends. Now that I've lost some, it not only made me stronger, it is making me realize who my real friends are. Believe it or not, don't be surprised if it's not your friend of so many years. Haven't you heard, when a door closes another door opens. In other words, you might just have to lose something to see things clearly.


p/s I'm saying this in general. Don't feel offended but if you do, not my problem.

As tiring as school can be, its going pretty good. My days in school are pretty much filled up with laughter and  lame ass jokes. Classes are not so bad, presentations almost every single day but I'm glad I have an awesome team. I'm still trying to get use to the schedule. It takes a toll on you when you have classes that starts at 12pm and end at 5pm almost everyday. Two days of weekends are not enough for me to replenish the energy lost. Weird, I foresee many more projects coming and I guess it's going to be much more exhausting. I'm yawning as I'm typing this. How pathetic can I get?


My back is not getting any better but it's not getting any worst either. I've trying to refrain myself from seeing the doctor, reasons within myself. I've always imagine that it might result me getting hospitalized and having to go through an operation and all that sort. Scary. Okay back onto track, so I'm trying all sorts of possibilities trying to keep it from getting worst. I've tried applying pain relief patches which hardly even sticks for long let alone work wonders, I've tried stretching occasionally but I think instead of making me feel better, I feel the pain, I even tried back massage and currently I'm drinking Anlene(not on a regular basis just yet). Mum has been trying to get me to drink it but I keep telling her that its for old people and I'm still young. Then one day she brought home a mini-box of Anlene and I, obviously not thinking straight, drank it. It surprised me, it does not taste all that bad, even though it made me feel kinda old and fragile. When I told her that, she went on an bought a pack on Anlene powder; Chocolate flavour. It's her way to make me drink it. She says it's good for the bones. I don't really buy that just so you know. Sometimes I even substitute it with milo. Its the same colour, Mum doesn't have to know. ^^ Hopefully I get better, I really don't want to visit the doctor.

A hug is like an emotional heimlich. Someone puts their arms around you and they give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety come shooting out of your mouth in a big wet wad and you can breathe again.

- Chuck Pushing Daisies

Today was not really a good day. It would have been great if certain things didn't happen. First, I nearly cried in the train. Yes, melodramatic much but I nearly did. Why? Because I was caught in between so many people standing too close to me and all those while I was finding it hard to catch a breath. Here's the thing, I have personal space issues, mildly claustrophobic. I cannot have too many people surrounding me in a close manner, I might even lose it when I cannot handle the way people's skin rubs against mine, even if it's just a gentle brush. And it makes it even harder if I'm in a tight space. I nearly freaked out. Second, I got cheated for lunch. It was daylight robbery. Can you believe it, five dollars for a measly two piece of chapatti and ice lemon tea. It got me so pissed. To me, it clearly seemed like they were taking advantage me. The rest of the day went well though. It started pretty well too. I'm starting to like ADB even though its quite tedious for me, given the distance and all. But I like it. I like my group and I cannot wait to start working on other things. I'm still trying to get use to the school schedule. With this kind of time frame, I don't have to wait until Friday for it to take it's toll on me. For now, I'm just taking it in on my stride. 


On another note, my back is hurting me like a lot. It's putting me in so much agony. Panaflex doesn't do much to help either. All it does is emit heat and nothing else. It doesn't even stick for long. I think I need to pay the doctor a visit one of these days. Get to the bottom of this. For now, I shall endure the pain and try not to prolong it any longer.

Peace isn't a permanent state. It exists in moments. Fleeting. Gone before we knew it was there. We can experience it at any time, in a stranger's act of kindness, a task that requires complete focus or simply the comfort of an old routine. Everyday we all experience these moments of peace. The trick is to know when they're happening so that we can embrace them, live in them. And finally let them go.  -Grey's Anatomy

We deny that we’re tired, we deny that we’re scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we’re in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can’t recognize the truth right in front of our faces.

They say the bigger your investment, the bigger your return. But you have to be willing to take a chance. You have to understand, you might lose it all. Buy if you take that chance, if you invest wisely, the pay off might just surprise you.

-Grey's Anatomy

One year has passed and we are all in our second year of school. Time flies pretty fast don't you think. A lot has happen within that one year too. It seems like just recently that we became friends. I made some new friends and I lost some too. I guess that's the way it works. It was nice to see everybody else after a month long holiday. However, the new timetable is not much of a pleaser. But I'll get used to it. It just takes time to adapt.

" Why do we say things we can't take back. Why do we miss what we never had. Both of us fell to the ground, the love was so lost, it couldn't be found.... The memories go where we go, there like the suitcase that you never lose. "

I like to believe this is just a phase because I know how it would end. Yet, I don't understand why I cannot figure out what really is going on. And I don't understand why I cannot figure out a way for it not to end the way I know it would. This is all so messed up. I'm so messed up. I'm afraid to make any move with fear that I hurt the one person I love the most, because I know he would be the one dealing with most of it. Honestly, I don't know what's going on anymore. I keep contradicting myself.

Ever had those days when you feel like doing nothing the whole day and just want to stay in bed? Those days when you just want to shut everyone out and I mean everyone. All you want to do is to have some alone time. But at the same time you don't know if you could handle the immense scrutiny of silence going on and the brain would not shut the fuck up.

Last Saturday, it was a last minute plan to meet up and have a double date together. So my boyfriend and I met up with Fiqah and Hafiz to watch a movie together. We caught the last screening of How To Train Your Dragon but its not in 3D. It's okay, it's still a very good movie. A must watch.

Even after all these years, I could not find it in me and bring myself to forgive you. Even though what you did was not as bad as murder, you broke me, you broke me in ways I could not imagine. It's not as easy as it seem. Talking about it gets easier but I cannot stop the raw emotions that comes along with it. Sometimes, I can't even fathom the things I feel let alone find the right words to describe it.

You brought me up so high, but someway or another I find myself bringing us down, bringing myself down. I find myself doing things that brings the things we had up high down. Then you somehow, by a god mighty chance, you successfully made me feel so guilty about it. Yes, that's the power you have over me. So strong, it easily made me feel what I'm feeling without even trying.