May 6, 2009 @ 9:41 PM
WHISPERS.
It gets harder every time, everybody knows that but nobody really knows how hard we struggle to hold on and how hard we try to make it work.
I made a vow to MYSELF that I would never let anyone see me shed a tear. I will cry, that's inevitable, I will cry till my head hurts so bad, till my eyes swells up, my cheeks ache, till my lungs are on fire and till I fall asleep. But I'm gonna wake up the next day, wipe my tears and breathe, praying that it will be a better day.
I vowed not to make anymore empty promises lest I hurt you again because I broke your heart far too many times.
"We are from two different worlds", you said, and that jolted me out of my seat and in my mind I thought, "That's just what makes us perfect for each other" but I knew you weren't thinking the same. I guess love has made me blind. I know its unfair to you having to go through so much just to be with me and even though it hurts me, I know its hurting you even more, feeling so torn apart. I'm sorry I've been selfish.
Its been four years plus, 51 months to be exact. You said what we have is what we have and I know that you didn't mean that materially but emotionally as well. I won't lie, I'll grin with envy every time I see my cousin with her fiance but, what we have is what we have.
The anxiety is still there. Every time I call you on the phone, I get nervous. Every time it rings, my heart skips a beat faster and when you answered, my heart stops, waiting for your response. I'll listen to your tone of voice and if you sounded pissed, I'll feel so afraid and if there is that sense of joy in your voice, I'll heave a sigh of relief.
"There will come a day when you're gonna stand in front of me and cry your heart out, and I will never be able to help you, even if blood became your tears cause I'm sick and tired of it all".
Your words have been sitting at the back of my head everyday since you said that and eveyday I'll always be walking on toes, minding my every move. I've made you lose all hopes you had in me. I'm sorry.
Labels: I'm biting my tongue.
0 comments: leave a comment