lost days
January 17, 2010 @ 8:42 PM
I used to ponder a lot why it is always so awkward. Unlike others, we can never be comfortable around each other. Why couldn't we be like anybody else, talk about anything under the sun, well not everything but most things. Each time I went through the photo album, I tend to ask myself, " How come I don't remember this? " Do you know how hard it is to recollect the memories we once had. Perhaps, those times when I tried so hard to erase the bitter memory of you, I erased the good old days as well.
At times I can't help but wonder what it would be like if I'm the only one, then it will just be the three of us? Then again, things turn out the way it is with reasons. It was hard dealing with the things that might break us on my own. While you went on denying things, I went on with my gut feelings. Do you how devastated I was when my intuitions were true? How hard was it for me to know things I shouldn't know and having barely anyone to turn to?
I've learn to put the past behind me. Move on and gave you a chance to mend our broken relationship. But time and time again, you blew you chances away. Hatta always said that we need to hands to clap. Your hand was up high for only so long. Why should I keep holding mine up when yours isn't consistent? I forgave you for your mistakes. It took me a lot courage to but I did. I respect you and I'll give you credit for the times you tried.
Now, I hardly tried anymore. I don't even get emotional talking about it anymore. Though I have to admit that it touches my heart whenever you tell me you love me, whenever you just hang your hand over my shoulders. Do you still remember the times when Mak Mok passed and we had that conversation, just you and I? That, Dad, might be the only pleasant, vivid memory I had of you and I.
Then again, we never really had what people call a normal relationship, between a father and daughter.
0 comments: leave a comment