underneath
June 18, 2010 @ 5:22 PM
I'm sure this is as hard for you as it is hard for me. It sucks, I agree and the past few days without you was despairing. I thought after all these years, things would finally go the way we had always wanted it to go but who knew that it would take a turn. And who knew it would be this way.
You know, it hurts. Things was going so well, even better than what I expected it to be but now it gets so awkward even talking to you, like we are both strangers. If only I can know exactly what you are feeling, what is going through your mind.
If only you know how hard it is to hold back my tears whenever we end our conversations let alone thinking about how it went for it to end that way or trying to forget how it went. Or how hard it is that you occupy my mind all the time but I could not do anything about it to make it better. Or how it sucks going through the day without you. Or how it sucks that I can't read in between the words you speak anymore, or how hard I tried not to fill my head with all sorts of things when night fall comes. Or how awful it feels when I see myself agreeing on things that I might usually disagree on. Or how I berates myself for the times I doubted that one thing I should never doubt in the first place.
All in all baby, I never go a day regretting being with you. I don't blame people for seeing things differently because they were never in our shoes. I just want you to know that I am fighting hard for this just like you did, even if it means second best. I needed you here with me, to hold my hand and guide me along the way, to walk through this together because it sucks that sometimes I have to feel like you're not into this at all anymore.
For the past years, we tried so hard trying to keep this relationship afloat even though the same old cracks keep showing up. You told me that you want nobody else other than me so baby, trust me that I will be, one day. As for now, maybe its best that we keep our expectations on the down low, I know I have to. Because the lower it is, the lower the chances of disappointment will be.
Forever & always, ♥
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