Tug Of War
November 8, 2011 @ 11:48 PM
The most destructible person you could ever know is yourself. I for one have known that for a long time. I am a constant battle to myself and for those who have followed me through this blog knows how dangerous my mind is to me.
I have this constant battle in my head, a game of tug and war. About what? About everything, everything that goes on in my life. People have said that sometimes I am just too hard on myself, I am an over-analyzer and I take things too seriously. Some have also said that I need to be wiser too, I need to think far and figure what I want in life. I am not one who easily adapts, not one who likes changes either so I resist. I rewire my mind as hard as I could to accept the facts and outcomes of whatever it may be.
I am never the sort who quits so easily and it gets tough when you are tugging between fighting and quitting. I am struggling a lot. I am trying to keep up in my studies, trying to balance time, trying to balance relationships and trying to balance interest. It's as if I am balance plates on a stick. I feel like I have a lot on my plate, I have a lot to prove. And I am tired so forgive me for having the thought of stopping this fight. I have been fighting over this struggle for a while now and slowly I keep letting the plates go.
First it was math, now it's cheer. It breaks my heart to have the urge of letting go something I am truly passionate about. But the painful feeling of not being good enough is killing me too. It saddens me even more that I am now playing a tug of war with my heart and head. I am pulling between holding on and letting go. It sucks having have to fight so hard for something you care about but in your head you feel like letting go because all the hard work doesn't seem to bring you anywhere, at least in your eyes. Its getting really tough and it's getting a toll on me.
xoxo ♥
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