What is ever enough?
February 12, 2013 @ 10:36 PM
I've said it once before; love alone isn't enough. I have never really thought about what love exactly is until recently when a friend asked me if love is just about feelings. One thing I realize is love does not have a concrete definition. Everyone has their own definition of love and so it is safe to say that love isn't only about feelings. To me, it is also about the little things between you and the other, about the good and bad times you went through. Maybe that's why it isn't always enough, because above everything else it is also about the other nitty gritty things that binds people together.
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Apart from the sappy post above, I have decided to change my simple blog to an even simpler outlook. I have this sudden drive to keep this blog going(let's hope it doesn't die so soon). So let's see how it goes because I honestly miss it here.
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A box of change
October 21, 2012 @ 12:11 PM
Been some time since I've last been here. It's high time I do a little update right albeit whether or not there still people coming here for a read.
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I think over the past few months, I have actually grown as a person. While there may be some areas I am still struggling to control, I have been slowly figuring out who I am and what makes me the person that I am. I think mentally, I have become a whole lot stronger. I still have the deafening dark thoughts that causes my mental breakdown every now and then but I find it easier to come out of it. I have learned how to be strong, suffice to say.
I have always pride myself over the fact that I have a lot patience. Being patient is one of my strongest suites I should say and I find myself commending my patience every now and then. I know it sounds a bit narcissist but I am actually really proud to have that trait. I also think being patient with people and things is the main reason why I tend to put people before me. I prefer to see other people happy. For me, if you're happy then I'm happy.
It's no secret that I do not like changes. To put it in an analogy, I am like Tetris box. I like things to be fitted where it is suppose to be. I like fitted corners because it makes feel safe. But we all know, nobody gets far in fitted corners because life itself is a cycle. I still try to find ways to take a step out of the box and I enjoy the experience, most of the time, but I will always end up going back into my box. Just like a hermit.
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Change Yet Again
June 23, 2012 @ 9:51 PM
I know I said that as constant as change is, you either change for yourself or you let people change you. To be honest, change scares me. It scares me that it is consistently inconsistent. In an instance anything and everything can change. People can change, paths can change, decisions can change and feelings can change. And that is what scares me the most.
What if you wake up tomorrow morning and your feelings for me isn't the same anymore? What if it changes what makes you happy and it isn't me?
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Paranoia
May 27, 2012 @ 11:38 PM
I have had quite a share of being stabbed from the back but never by people whom I regard as family. Ever since the conversation happened and how it all went down, I have been so wary of every single thing whenever I am around them. I can't help but to take everything that is being said to heart, neither can I help myself from constantly feeling like there is a target on my back, just waiting for the knives to start coming at me.
I think the hardest part of all these isn't about the changing part, it isn't about the process either. I think its how I will always feel betrayed and having that influx of crazy things running in my head. Where every word being said is like a bullet coming right at me. And I don't know what to do. I keep freezing because I don't ever want to be doing the wrong thing but I can;t help myself to wonder and imagine the thoughts running in their head.
I am way past the reserved zone. I am now at wary. I hesitate at the slightest thing. Suffice to say, I am paranoid.
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Unspoken
12:36 AM
I'm not the kind of person who suppress how I feel. For those who have followed my blog in the past would know how bi polar I am and how I would always come here to let it all out. Even if it means me going round in circles. I haven't been here for a long time, mostly because I have lost all sense of motivation to blog out my thoughts especially since I got Twitter yet I could not bring myself to delete this space.
I guess it's because I know that no matter what, I'll always come back here. I know that I will always feel a sense of relieve, oddly, after I let it all out here. Also because I don't trust that Twitter is much of a safe place to let it all hang out even if I have the rights to. Here, I feel at ease. I feel like no one is allowed to dismiss the things I say here simply because its mine.
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Bringing me back to the point that I am here in the first place. For people who knows me, knows what I'm like as a person. I have a set of rules so to say, in my head that I believe makes me who I am. I try as hard as I can to please people and meet their expectations while still keeping true to my self belief. I am also the kind of person who say what I want and when I want to, which of course, doesn't work in my favour most of the time. But I don't see why is it wrong to say how I really feel? Truth hurts, everybody says that but does everybody actually acknowledge it?
I don't get how people can just assume for the worst. Not that I don't either but we all know how it hurts to have people assuming things about us especially if they know nuts about anything at all. It angers me even more to have people expecting that we will always put them first or that we will always give them what they want, expecting us to put our things aside to adhere to their 'cravings'. Who do you think you are? We all have our on set of beliefs, our own set of peeves but we can't expect that people would same line. What if whatever you're doing is their peeves? Are you expecting them to be okay with it just so it would please you?
Some things are just better off unspoken.
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two cents worth
April 4, 2012 @ 12:50 AM
I'm not one who would question someone's decision unless I see a need to or unless I see how it is affecting the people who are involved in it. I have always been a firm believer how every decision you make is a choice and if it is a mistake, it would because of the choice you made.
As much as I try not to get involve in the situation, I can't help to feel the pain everyone else is facing because of this decision you make. It pains me to see how everyone else bravely shrugs everything off and try to respect your decision, how they try to hide they disagreement of your decision and how they just want you to be happy. What makes it worst is the fact that I could not do a thing about it to ease that heavy feeling. Now it pains me even more to see everyone else especially to one important person, dragging their feet but still doing everything above and beyond just to make you have at least a decent wedding.
What hurts me the most is that, they'd do anything and I mean anything just to show you that they agree to disagree with you, just to show you they support you. And the least that you could have done is be here, for her, the one person whose heart is possibly breaking at every single choice you made amounting to this.
I just think that getting married is a huge deal and perhaps you have your reasons that I don't know and understand but what I do understand is the fact that you could have done a little more to show how much this means to you. If she is going to marry you, she is marrying into the family as well and I think it is only fair that she makes the effort to get to know the family not just meet once and then decided it's time to get married. If you can spend so much time being on her side why couldn't she put in just a little effort to visit us, to visit the one person who is suppose to matter the most right now. Imagine how would she feels meeting her for the second time and it is at your wedding? Imagine how heart breaking it would be for her? If I could feel this much pain for her, why couldn't you?
Like I said, these are all a matter of choices and at the end of the day, this is what you chose. I am in no position to question your decision, consider these my two cents worth.
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March 15, 2012 @ 1:26 PM
Whether it's taking each other for granted or people changing over time, the bottom line is, someone stops trying. The feelings aren't as strong as before. - Strangers, again.
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