The Lonely
April 6, 2011 @ 6:17 PM
I have been holding off to put this up for quite some time already. But I keep procrastinating thus, the lack of updates. Sometimes I feel like I don't need this blog anymore. It's like I lost all joy of blogging, then again, most of the time I am just too lazy to keep this space updated.
The most recent update is probably regarding the final semester results and the outcome of the poly application. My final semester results were not that bad, some might find it very good but I expected more from myself and that is why I am so disappointed with it. I got my results for the poly application the day after final semester results were out. It would be better if only the results were good. No, I did not manage to secure myself a spot in poly. I'm not going to deny it, I was extremely devastated. It felt like my whole world fell apart. I had everything planned out, I was ready for it. But when it hit me that its not going to happen just yet, I broke down hard. I could not believe that I have to wait some more, I have to work harder to get to after doing the best that I could ever do for the past two years. I felt angry too.
But I'm lucky, to have extremely good support from family and friends. Its time like this that you start to realize who is really worth the keep. I couldn't thank them enough for being my backbone for the past few days, for giving all those wise words and trying their best to be there for me in their own way. Their believe in me that I would eventually succeed overwhelms me and it kinda scares me. I already felt like I disappointed everyone else who thought and believed that I would make it. I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone else if I didn't make it one more time.
Today I still have people who asked me how my results were, but it doesn't bother me anymore like how it did. What bothers me are the questions; 'So what's you next plan? You're not going to work?' 'Why won't you find a job?' Its not that I don't want to be asked that or that I mind. Its the fact that they do not understand my reasons. Its the fact that they make it sound like its a bad thing that I do not have any plan or intend to find a job and the way they assume that getting a job settles it all. I do not have a next plan, yes it might be a stupid thing not to have a back up plan but don't tell me all of you have back up plans in your pockets. I submitted my appeal letters so now I am just waiting for a response. No plan whatsoever. No, I do not plan to work. I do not plan to find a job. Why? Because I just don't want to. I do not want to settle for less when I know I could do better, even if it is going to make me walk a longer route to get to where I want to be.
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