these walls
December 31, 2009 @ 3:37 PM
If I was given a choice whether to face the real world or to stay within the safest four walls. I would choose the latter. I'd feel much safer to be within the these walls. But then, reality steps in. Whatever it is, we always have to face reality. These days my body feels so heavy yet so light at the same time. I would just want to stay in bed, curled up under the duvet, somehow the silence allows me to think even if it takes all day. Every time my heart flutters, the silence always manage to calm me down. My room defines me in so many ways. Every inch of it has you and me baby. It hurts to be in it some times but most times, the comfort of those walls makes me feel safe.
2009 draws to an end. If you come up to me a few weeks ago and talk about the beginning of a new year. I would probably say that it's coming on pretty fast, too fast. Truth is I was not ready to let 2009 go just yet. I felt so unprepared. Then again, I am still not ready for a new year. So many things happen in 2009 and I am not ready to move on from it just yet. I can't just leave everything and move on with the new year like nothing happen. Maybe that works for everybody else but not for me.
2009 was a hell of a roller coaster ride for me. At times I even felt that it was too much for me to handle. It's not that I'm not glad I got to surpass those moments when I felt like dying, just that this year made me realize so many things - mostly matters of the heart. Even right now, as I'm typing this, I am no where near ready to welcome the new year. I am no where near ready to let go of what 2009 had for me. This year really took a toll on me, I made decisions that obviously affects every aspect of my life. I took major steps that changed a lot of things in my life.
Ironically, I am glad I experienced them now than never. Even though I might come out of these scarred, I believe I'm stronger than before. As much as I hate welcoming the new year; start a new beginning and those resolution shit, there is no way of stopping them. Either way, it's going to happen. So, farewell 2009 and welcome 2010. Horaaa. -.-
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choices
December 30, 2009 @ 4:22 PM
I need to take a step out from my comfort zone. I've been too comfortable and I'm afraid - comfort played a huge part for all the challenges I am facing. I've been too afraid hence I tried hard trying to live up the past, possibly stayed there for some time as well when I should be tackling the present. Fact of the matter is, I resist change. I am so reluctant to let go some of the memories, one because it's the only thing I have left to assure me that everything is real when things seems bleak. Two I'm afraid I might lose them forever.
But I know we gotta make a choice. Like what Dinah said " We always have to choose ". No matter how similar the pros and cons between our choices, at the end of the day, we still have to choose. Then again, accepting change might be a good thing.
Next up; should I go with my instinct or with what's best for me. Choices again~
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high school
4:13 PM
After so long, we finally set a date to meet up and do some catching up. Which is very much needed. Settled for lunch at Pastamania. As usual, I was the last to arrive. But my girls know me well, I am never on time nor early aye girls? Haha. After lunch, Dinah and Achap joined us as we chilled at the roof garden. Sat there, reminiscing about the good old days. Ah, good times good times. And so they say high school is still the best of all.
Everyone is all pretty now and Achap is all buff and whatnot. It was really awesome to see you girls and Achap again. It was a very productive gather, I shall say. Big hugs to all.
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December 28, 2009 @ 4:08 PM
That's the problem with us. We're both stubborn asses & always want to get our way. We both hate to be wrong & love to be right. But that's the thing about love. No matter what happens, we always come back for each other, one more time.- The Notebook
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do you, really?
3:34 PM
When things come too easy we suspect. Do they have to get complicated before we believe they're for real? We're raised to believe that the course of true love never runs smoothly. There always have to be obstacles in ACT TWO before you can live happily ever after in ACT THREE. But what happens when the obstacles aren't there? Does that mean there's something missing? Do we need drama to make a relationship work?
- Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and The City)
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could've been
December 27, 2009 @ 3:34 PM
A lot has been happening lately. Maybe too much for one to handle. But I believe I can go through this. I may cry out loud, until everything hurts but I'll never open up my chest and let the whole world know how it's really breaking inside. I may not know where this path will lead me now but I believe that someday, I'll find the light. I'm trying to stay positive amidst everything here. Maybe that way it's easier to figure things out. I am so lost right now, my feet glued to the ground not knowing which way to go let alone how to. I'm afraid of the decisions that I'm going to make, how it will affect the future. But every time I think about the future, I'm reminded of your words. You said that we should never need to worry about the future so much because now is what really matters.
Your other words hurt me deep but I know it can never hold a candle to what I've put you through. I'm grateful that you are still willing to stick around. It's clear now that some things are never going to happen. All those hope I clung on to for so long; crushed. Its time I let it go so that I would not put on so much hope only to be greeted with disappointment. Maybe knowing what to expect now, I could see things clearer. I want things to be better between us. I want us to be alright again. I love you, more than you could ever know and I want you see that I will do whatever it takes.
Stop looking at my flaws.
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yesterday
December 25, 2009 @ 6:53 PM
Hate is easy.
Love takes courage.
I'm sorry, you deserve better,
than someone like me.
Love takes courage.
I'm sorry, you deserve better,
than someone like me.
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