Mind Over Body
January 5, 2012 @ 11:50 PM
Sometimes I feel like I am not making any sense at all as a person, that I am too much of a paradox that it is ruining who I am. I am such a horrendous contradict so much so that I keep losing track of what I want and sometimes who I am. My mind is never constant filled with mood swings acting as quick as a snap.
I feel like I have this annoying alter ego in my head that drives me insane from time to time. It gets so negative and so convincing that I will eventually end up from where I first began or sometimes to even a place I never imagined going. I'll get this rush of thoughts that sometimes send shivers down my spine and I have conversations of so many things in my head. I'm an over-thinker and an over-analyser, that is the trait I like the least about myself.
I feel really useless most of the time and it can get really overwhelming up there. Its a dark place I can't seem to stop visiting. I don't know if it is just me, am I the only one who is like this. It gets exhausting but the more tired I get, the more it seems to be on overdrive. Sigh.
0 comments: leave a comment
Because i love you to death
December 9, 2011 @ 12:56 AM
"cause you know that i'll always be there
maybe that's why you don't care
so just take it all and watch how i fall
always thinking you'll catch me
you are killing me slowly
i keep holding my breath
cause i love you to death
i love you to death"
0 comments: leave a comment
Uneven
November 28, 2011 @ 12:06 AM
Just when you thought you know me well, you'd realize you had no idea.
Not even a single clue.
0 comments: leave a comment
Choices
November 11, 2011 @ 12:47 AM
Life is full of choices. In fact choices are a part of everything we do or encounter in our lives. Its there with every step we make. Its safe to say that we have all been put in a spot of choices. We choose between heart or brain, fight or flight, we even have to choose what to have for lunch. Thus, and so much more. I personally believe that choices are the worst thing that life can ever offer.
I knew that this day would come. Where I would have to face making a choice between love and logic. I was just waiting on time. I have been having a hard time finding balance lately and being in overdrive almost every single day is taking a toll on me. I am not complaining because of the choices I made, I just needed someone to hear me out. I needed someone to just lend me a listening ear. I don't think I'm asking for much. It gets so frustrating having to deal with all these struggles on my own. I thought, even if no one else is willing to hear me out, you of all people would stick by me no matter what. I guess I'm wrong and I'm sorry for ever putting you in that position. Who am I, right? What rights do I have?
I know H. I know that he knows me well enough. He knows what I love and what I'd do for it. He knows I have big dreams, he knows that I can only cope with so much. He knows me better than me. He knows when to stop me when I don't. He knows when I have had enough and how much more can I take. He knows that I without a doubt, rather put others before me. So he knows better than to have me choose between the things/person I love. No, he is not asking me to choose him between cheer. He asked me to choose me between cheer. H thinks that cheer has put me in so much overdrive and it is taking too much toll on me. I know that he wouldn't even come to that decision unless he have to.
But here's the thing that breaking my heart. I love cheer. I have a huge passion about it. But there is also a saying that goes, 'Just because you want it, doesn't mean you can have it.' I am really torn because up till right now I have been putting this matter off because I simply do not want to face it. But now, I have to. I was asked to make a decision between love and rational.
I have been going back and forth trying to figure out if I am really cut out for this. I mean I have put in so much effort but I don't see myself reaping anything at all. Its frustrating because I don't want to give up on it yet but every single time, I lose a little bit more inside. I lose the drive and the motivation. I don't want anything to go to waste so I am hoping, really hoping that this is just a phase. I need to find a way to figure out this balance, fast. I have a lot to prove. To everyone but most importantly myself. I have no room to fail but it feels like I am failing with every step.
0 comments: leave a comment
Tug Of War
November 8, 2011 @ 11:48 PM
The most destructible person you could ever know is yourself. I for one have known that for a long time. I am a constant battle to myself and for those who have followed me through this blog knows how dangerous my mind is to me.
I have this constant battle in my head, a game of tug and war. About what? About everything, everything that goes on in my life. People have said that sometimes I am just too hard on myself, I am an over-analyzer and I take things too seriously. Some have also said that I need to be wiser too, I need to think far and figure what I want in life. I am not one who easily adapts, not one who likes changes either so I resist. I rewire my mind as hard as I could to accept the facts and outcomes of whatever it may be.
I am never the sort who quits so easily and it gets tough when you are tugging between fighting and quitting. I am struggling a lot. I am trying to keep up in my studies, trying to balance time, trying to balance relationships and trying to balance interest. It's as if I am balance plates on a stick. I feel like I have a lot on my plate, I have a lot to prove. And I am tired so forgive me for having the thought of stopping this fight. I have been fighting over this struggle for a while now and slowly I keep letting the plates go.
First it was math, now it's cheer. It breaks my heart to have the urge of letting go something I am truly passionate about. But the painful feeling of not being good enough is killing me too. It saddens me even more that I am now playing a tug of war with my heart and head. I am pulling between holding on and letting go. It sucks having have to fight so hard for something you care about but in your head you feel like letting go because all the hard work doesn't seem to bring you anywhere, at least in your eyes. Its getting really tough and it's getting a toll on me.
xoxo ♥
0 comments: leave a comment
A little to the left
November 6, 2011 @ 10:39 PM
Dear Ellisya,
You know, more than anyone else that hoping and harping on something so much will only bring you disappointment. So why? Why do you do it? Why do you keep putting yourself in that position over and over again? Why do you put in so much when clearly the other party won't even bother to do the same? Why do keep thinking that somehow things will take a turn for the better, or somehow a miracle will happen? Why do you keep forgiving so easily? Why do you keep trying when you know all you are ever going to get back are are pile of rude replies? Why do you keep letting people mess with your mind? Why do you let them make you feel so worthless, make you feel like you are the problem?
You are better than that. You deserve better.
Love, Alter Ego
0 comments: leave a comment
Cheerology
September 13, 2011 @ 4:32 PM
I have been struggling a lot in cheer. Be it, trying to fit in or trying to be able to hit all the things I was asked to do. I never knew joining in into Gusto or could be so physically demanding and emotionally draining. It also requires me to make a lot of sacrifices on time wise. It frustrates me that I am feeling like I am living in the shadows of the group. I feel like everyone else is progressing while I hide behind like a hermit. I get frustrated when I could not do things well.
I guess its hard having Gusto being such a big group. Everyone is vying for a spot in the team and we are going all out to make sure we do. And with tryouts coming up real soon, everyone are like vultures trying to get a piece of everything. But sometimes its takes more than just your ability, it needs you to be noticed.
I am beginning to wonder if it will be worth it in the end?
0 comments: leave a comment