Que sera, sera
February 22, 2013 @ 6:01 PM
They say; you have to lose something before you can know its value and they also say; family is everything.
When you fall down in the dumps, no one else will fight for you more than your family. When your life spirals down so fast, no one else will reach to you as far as your family will. From the things I have seen, felt and hear with my senses, your safety net is always your family.
When you made this mistake, the one thing you fail to see even until now is how you have brought this close knitted family even closer. You fail to see how far a person will go to make sure you are safe from the cracks. You fail to see how much you mean to them even when they don't show it. You fail to read between the lines. I hope you come out of it just fine and just know whatever the outcome is, your family will be here waiting with open arms. (Happy Birthday my dear Uncle.)
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We Always Want What We Can't Have
February 16, 2013 @ 6:41 PM
I never really understood what it meant with the phrase of "We accept the love we think we deserve" only until recently. I mean I know what it means in general and it such a lovely quote but I could never find that sense of attachment to it.
I was thinking just the other day, about random things and about what people have said to me lately. I was imagining how different my life would be if I were to make different choices. How it would be if I had chose to walk away instead of staying, how different it would be to be with someone other than H and yet experiencing the same life challenges I am facing right now.
Then it came to me, like a moment of epiphany what it meant to accept the love we think we deserve. There can be so many things that I want to work out my way but life doesn't work that way. Bite me for thinking of what could have been but at the end of the day, I see myself with no one else. H may love me in a different way than what I expect but he is special to me. He loves me despite the differences in me and given the things that defines my life right now, I think no one else could have love me better.
So yes, perhaps the reason why we accept the love we think we deserve is simply because we feel that nothing or no one else could make us feel the way we do now. Get me? No? It's okay.
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What is ever enough?
February 12, 2013 @ 10:36 PM
I've said it once before; love alone isn't enough. I have never really thought about what love exactly is until recently when a friend asked me if love is just about feelings. One thing I realize is love does not have a concrete definition. Everyone has their own definition of love and so it is safe to say that love isn't only about feelings. To me, it is also about the little things between you and the other, about the good and bad times you went through. Maybe that's why it isn't always enough, because above everything else it is also about the other nitty gritty things that binds people together.
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Apart from the sappy post above, I have decided to change my simple blog to an even simpler outlook. I have this sudden drive to keep this blog going(let's hope it doesn't die so soon). So let's see how it goes because I honestly miss it here.
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A box of change
October 21, 2012 @ 12:11 PM
Been some time since I've last been here. It's high time I do a little update right albeit whether or not there still people coming here for a read.
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I think over the past few months, I have actually grown as a person. While there may be some areas I am still struggling to control, I have been slowly figuring out who I am and what makes me the person that I am. I think mentally, I have become a whole lot stronger. I still have the deafening dark thoughts that causes my mental breakdown every now and then but I find it easier to come out of it. I have learned how to be strong, suffice to say.
I have always pride myself over the fact that I have a lot patience. Being patient is one of my strongest suites I should say and I find myself commending my patience every now and then. I know it sounds a bit narcissist but I am actually really proud to have that trait. I also think being patient with people and things is the main reason why I tend to put people before me. I prefer to see other people happy. For me, if you're happy then I'm happy.
It's no secret that I do not like changes. To put it in an analogy, I am like Tetris box. I like things to be fitted where it is suppose to be. I like fitted corners because it makes feel safe. But we all know, nobody gets far in fitted corners because life itself is a cycle. I still try to find ways to take a step out of the box and I enjoy the experience, most of the time, but I will always end up going back into my box. Just like a hermit.
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Change Yet Again
June 23, 2012 @ 9:51 PM
I know I said that as constant as change is, you either change for yourself or you let people change you. To be honest, change scares me. It scares me that it is consistently inconsistent. In an instance anything and everything can change. People can change, paths can change, decisions can change and feelings can change. And that is what scares me the most.
What if you wake up tomorrow morning and your feelings for me isn't the same anymore? What if it changes what makes you happy and it isn't me?
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Paranoia
May 27, 2012 @ 11:38 PM
I have had quite a share of being stabbed from the back but never by people whom I regard as family. Ever since the conversation happened and how it all went down, I have been so wary of every single thing whenever I am around them. I can't help but to take everything that is being said to heart, neither can I help myself from constantly feeling like there is a target on my back, just waiting for the knives to start coming at me.
I think the hardest part of all these isn't about the changing part, it isn't about the process either. I think its how I will always feel betrayed and having that influx of crazy things running in my head. Where every word being said is like a bullet coming right at me. And I don't know what to do. I keep freezing because I don't ever want to be doing the wrong thing but I can;t help myself to wonder and imagine the thoughts running in their head.
I am way past the reserved zone. I am now at wary. I hesitate at the slightest thing. Suffice to say, I am paranoid.
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