a friend
June 28, 2010 @ 5:56 PM
The other day, I met Fiqah for dinner. Not surprisingly, I made her wait for me. I am very sorry for that. Anyway, I want to dedicate this post to her. The one person who is willing enough to be there for in my time of need, who does not judge my every move, who is not afraid to let me know the truth because she knows I deserve to, the one who is brave enough to let me ponder about the things I never want to think about, the one who understands and doesn't pry anymore than what is should when I answer her questions with I-don't-know(s), who knows how to complete my sentences and the one person I know who knows how taxing it is to put on a facade just to show everyone else that everything is okay when it's not so people will stop prying.
Given our differences and our background, I never thought that I would befriend you Fiqah but I'm glad I did. Thank you for being there/here for me. Likewise, I've got your back too. I love you.
xoxo
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wild cherry
June 25, 2010 @ 5:33 PM
I'm sorry for leaving this space untouched. I have so much to say and so much going on in my head but I can't get myself to spell it out here. Don't worry, I've written it down somewhere only I know what the contents are. I'm not bottling anything up but neither am I telling it all. I'm not sure if this space will be left collecting dust in time to come but in any case that does happen, I apologise. I will try my best to keep it alive. Till then.
xoxo
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underneath
June 18, 2010 @ 5:22 PM
I'm sure this is as hard for you as it is hard for me. It sucks, I agree and the past few days without you was despairing. I thought after all these years, things would finally go the way we had always wanted it to go but who knew that it would take a turn. And who knew it would be this way.
You know, it hurts. Things was going so well, even better than what I expected it to be but now it gets so awkward even talking to you, like we are both strangers. If only I can know exactly what you are feeling, what is going through your mind.
If only you know how hard it is to hold back my tears whenever we end our conversations let alone thinking about how it went for it to end that way or trying to forget how it went. Or how hard it is that you occupy my mind all the time but I could not do anything about it to make it better. Or how it sucks going through the day without you. Or how it sucks that I can't read in between the words you speak anymore, or how hard I tried not to fill my head with all sorts of things when night fall comes. Or how awful it feels when I see myself agreeing on things that I might usually disagree on. Or how I berates myself for the times I doubted that one thing I should never doubt in the first place.
All in all baby, I never go a day regretting being with you. I don't blame people for seeing things differently because they were never in our shoes. I just want you to know that I am fighting hard for this just like you did, even if it means second best. I needed you here with me, to hold my hand and guide me along the way, to walk through this together because it sucks that sometimes I have to feel like you're not into this at all anymore.
For the past years, we tried so hard trying to keep this relationship afloat even though the same old cracks keep showing up. You told me that you want nobody else other than me so baby, trust me that I will be, one day. As for now, maybe its best that we keep our expectations on the down low, I know I have to. Because the lower it is, the lower the chances of disappointment will be.
Forever & always, ♥
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goodbye for now
June 15, 2010 @ 5:23 PM
I got afraid when things started to slowly spiral downwards but I tried as hard as I could to fight the feeling away. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail, but those times where I do succeed, I wishfully thought that I could freeze time so that I could enjoy the moment for as long as I like to.
Reality isn't always rainbows and butterflies and you don't need to be a genius to figure that out. With the things that has been going on in my life right now, it surprises me that I needed nothing more than the comfort of my own quiet room. I know my loved ones will be there for me ultimately but what I need now is some alone time.
I woke up at 3 in the morning to a text message that broke me into a million pieces. I stayed up the whole night filling my head with all sorts of question, I cried my heart out in silence and I finally managed to fall asleep once its dawn. I woke up feeling sore and horrible but it dawned on me that I needed to settle this on my own. I can cry as much as I want but at the end of the day I still need to do something to solve this. For the first time in a long time, I would rather talk in circles about my aching heart than spelling out my misery.
This space is going to stay private for quite a long time, I might not even open it back to the public. And this space might even be a little dusty because there are some things in my life right now that I need to re-prioritize. I appreciate all the concern and words of encouragement because you don't know how much that warms my heart but don't expect an answer if you ask me what is really going on.
xoxo
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out from under
June 14, 2010 @ 5:44 PM
/editted.
I was looking through some folders and I found this. A conversation I had with his sister once when she was till in New Zealand and it made me tear. Does he really has a lot more to lose that I do? I don't know. I don't know what is truly going on either. I thought I had it all figured out yesterday but from the looks of it I was horribly wrong. My heart and my mind tells me that I should let him be. Let him do what he deems now and when he is ready, he'll come back. And it is not all the time that my heart and my mind are in sync. So should I? It surprises me that I am not scared of how this would end. Maybe I already knew, maybe I'm just too timid to admit it.
xoxo ♥
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open field beneath the stars
4:05 PM
I needed to know that I meant something, anything to you. But what I got was nothing, absolutely nothing. And it’s funny the things you realize when someone walks away. At first you feel as though it’s your fault. Feeling like nothing, and so close to falling apart. But in time, you come to realize that you did nothing wrong; that it’s his loss, that you are so much better without that one boy who didn’t ever care. You live and you learn, that’s how it is.
xoxo ♥
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paper and planes
June 8, 2010 @ 9:35 PM
When we're headed toward an outcome that's too horrible to face, that's when we go looking for a second opinion. And sometimes, the answer we get just confirms our worst fears. But sometimes, it can shed new light on the problem, make you see it in a whole new way. After all the opinions have been heard and every point of view has been considered, you finally find what you're after - the truth. But the truth isn't where it ends, that's just where you begin again with a whole new set of questions.
- Grey's Anatomy
xoxo ♥
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dancing with a liar
June 7, 2010 @ 10:14 PM
I have been staring at this blank canvas for the past hour. These days I just don't know what to blog about. It's either I talk in circles here or some things are just too personal. I even thought of privatizing this blog. I'm not that of an avid blogger anymore or so I thought. At times I just do a simple update because it bothered me that it seems kind of untouched. Unless I have the need to express something, I would hardly do something proper. Moreover, I have been having a busy few weeks and it is probably one of the factors leading to this dusty space.
On another note, I have been greeting Monday with a bang for the past two weeks and its not the good kind. With still so many things to do and so many things to acknowledge, I am still finding it hard to grasp that the event I am working on with my girls will happen in exactly four days. In four days, we will get to see if our hard work is worth it. And I have decided to shove the groups politics aside for a smooth sailing outcome. We have so much hanging on the line and it's not worth it to destroy it because we fail to control our frustration any longer, alright Nadiah & Jen? This event has been weighing on our shoulders for weeks and even though we cringe every time we here a problem arising, we will always find a way to figure things out. Let's persevere girls. We will end the school term with a bang just like Monday greeted us.
xoxo ♥
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sixty-four
June 3, 2010 @ 11:18 PM
When all is said and done, you’re a part of me, that’s the way it was meant to be, people are brought together for a reason, everything happens for a reason, I believe the reason you and me were brought together was cause we complete each other, we fill in each others missing spaces, the empty holes, the blind spots, with love, and if someday god decided to tear us apart, I trust that there is a reason, cause if there’s a reason for love, there’s a reason for life beyond it.
xoxo ♥
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