Dirt Rug
July 10, 2011 @ 10:14 PM
You know what. This is me. I'm bad at making people feel better no matter how I try. I'm bad at giving admirable advice, bad at comforting people, bad at saying things that's on my mind, bad at making things better at the very least. I'm a klutz. I let people trample on all over me like a dirt rug over and over again. I let people make me feel horrible and yet say nothing about it. I don't like people giving me looks of pity or sympathizes me to make me feel better because it makes me feel even more pathetic then it did before. I am petty. I let little things get to me. I have the tendency to put people before me regardless the good or bad consequences it brings me. I let myself get disappointed all over again. This is who I am.
I am not happy most of the time. I worry a little too much. I over-think, just like everyone else. I over-react. People expect so much from me and I feel like I, myself am a disappointment. I have tonnes of questions. I question myself and everyone in my life but it's all in my head. Nothing ever comes out because I am scared of the answers.
I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of feeling like I am never good enough. I'm tired of feeling like nobody ever did give a care in the world. I might sound really selfish but really, I am just truly tired.
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77th
July 3, 2011 @ 8:08 PM
I know I may not be the best girlfriend int the world and I get on your nerves most of the time but to be fair you'd get on mine too. But with all the reasons aside, for the all the imperfections that you have, it does not stop me from loving you. And for all the imperfections that I am, I hope I am good enough for you love. I love you babe.
Forever and Always ♥
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Battlefield
8:02 PM
The hardest battle we can ever go through is between ourselves. I for one, am very familiar with it. Every corner of it. It's not exactly rainbows hidden between the tiny spaces. It's not so easy to find the silver lining in every thought that comes.
How? How can anything or anyone else be good enough if I don't find myself more than enough for me, let alone anyone else. It does not help either when I see all that I wanted on someone else. This isn't easy for me, dealing me against me. I have never opened up on the reasons why I keep doing this or why am I going through this. Truth is, I don't know either. I don't know how to put in words exactly to confide in anyone.
All I can say is, this battle has been more about me trying to surpass the needing of meeting expectations. I expect a lot from anything and mostly everyone. I always want things to go my way. To put it simply, I would even got to the extend of planning my own surprise party. So when things don't go my way, I simply gets disappointed. This expectations can come from anything at all, envy, need etc.
It's difficult because every time things get disappointing, it makes me feel like I' not good enough. It's killing me, slowly. I feel like this battle is taking over me and its getting very exhausting.
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C for Comfort
June 28, 2011 @ 9:56 PM
Here's the thing about comfort, it makes you feel safe. It makes you feel like you are a nice place but the down side is, we tend to want to stay there, at comfort. Take sleeping for an example. When we go to bed, we tend to toss and turn until we find this comfortable spot and finally fall asleep. And when we reach the point of deep serenity, that's when the we finally stops all the hard work. Then when morning comes, we all have a hard time getting out from bed, away from that spot of comfort.
Just like getting too comfortable, when we get too comfortable with something or someone, we just stop thinking that we have reached the destination. There's a reason why I never like it if someone gets too comfortable in a relationship. There's a reason why I always seem like I am on the edge every single time, why I am a tad too dramatic and why I usually over-think. Getting too comfortable with someone can do a lot of damage. We sometimes cross the line without even realizing it. We stop trying to hold everything together even when everything seems to be in place. Most importantly, we tend to takes things for granted. I've seen, no, I've psychologically felt every inch of pain of being taken for granted just because someone think comfort was the destination.
Just because we are comfortable with each other doesn't me we stop all the initiatives. What happens to all the times when you try, the times you make an effort to take things onto another level and the times you want nothing but the best for someone? Are they meant to be left behind as memories? So what happens next when we all gets comfortable and stops trying?
Comfort may be a good thing, but I just wish some people would not take it for granted. Take it like a pit stop. An area for rest and when we get back up after a quencher. Just like sleeping, we get back up after a few hours of rest and we go on with what the day has for us, what we have to fight for today.
xoxo ♥
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Lost In The Clouds
June 19, 2011 @ 11:16 AM
I don't know what happened for us to be here like this. Maybe it was all the little things that happened, that created this distance between us. Maybe it's the indignation that I still have towards you. Maybe its all those times that we argued and it made me feel angry towards you or all those decisions you made without thinking of the consequences. Maybe it was all of that. We may never talk to each other anymore but that does not mean I don't miss you. We are at a place to high to be seen and saved.
It's hard for me to accept what we have become. I tried, I tried to make it better for our sake, for her sake but I can't. I can't be the only one trying, that is not how it works. Now the closest we will ever get to each other is just to be in the same room. Even that we have to try not to make things awkward. And the closest we ever get to speaking to each other is you talking to me in a manner I do not appreciate.
But at the end of the day, you are still who you are to me and I miss you. I miss the times when you would come talk to me, ask how my day was, how my life was going but now all there is are silence. Even if we do try to strike a conversation, it would be really awkward. I miss the way you would pull me in your embrace because you need a little strength. I miss the times just laughing with you. I miss you.
Even if is is wishful thinking, I still wish maybe someday, we would get back what we have lost. So this is for you. Maybe someday, I will find it in me to forgive you for all that you've done and maybe you would do the same to me.
I love you, always will. Happy Father's Day Dad.
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Anybody There
June 15, 2011 @ 9:37 PM
Dear God, if this is one of the ways that you have chosen to test my family and I, I will gladly accept it. I know you would not make me go through something I could not handle. This might be your test to see how strong we are as a person and together.
Emotionally and mentally, my mum is the strongest person I know. She has been put in situations I don't see myself surviving out from. But she did and every time she does I see her coming out of it stronger. Maybe it is just a front but I would rather believe that she became stronger. My mum never shows her emotions towards us, she never shows any signs of weakness but I know deep down, her heart is breaking. And it kills me, it kills me to see her having her guards up all the time and seeing her being so strong. I want to be there for her, I want her to know that I am always here for her, that she can always lean on my shoulders at anytime any day.
Today she told me something which doesn't really surprise me but I knew right when I heard about it, I need to do all I can this time around to help her get through this. I know she would not able to cope with this. You see, this isn't the first time this happened. The first time it happened, I was too young to understand. I was too young to understand the grief and the pain that my mum had to go through but now I do. I could see how hard it is going to be on her, on all of us. I understood the burden it brings. I understood all these emotions I developed towards 'you' because of this. It might have been such a turmoil of emotions all in one but I understood it. I was set on looking at you with such disdain for acting such recklessly and leaving us to pick up after your mess. But I could not, no matter how much I said or try not to bother I ended up being a curve ball. And H is right, even if I could not do it for you this time, I need to do it for my mum.
This time around, I hope you learn your lesson.
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Self-Esteem
June 14, 2011 @ 10:44 PM
Let's just cut to the chase shall we. H asked me today where was my self-esteem. Right when the question came out from the tip of his tongue, I lost it. I lost all control of my emotions and cried.
I had a good self-esteem once. But somewhere along the line, I lost it. It went lower and lower as I go. All that bravery I portrayed was not confidence. It was just a front. I learned to master a brave front deceiving others including myself that it was confidence. But the fact of the matter is it never was confidence, it was just a mask.
I'm that girl who sits quietly with her thoughts and keeps them to herself. I'm scared and timid, I barely voice out my opinions. I'm the girl who resist change, who is scared of trying something new. I'm the girl who rather just sits and watch than try. I'm the girl who starts to tear up because of high frustration. I'm the girl who bottles everything up. The girls who has so much difficulty saying no even if its or its not for her own benefit. I'm the girl just like any other girl who is scared of what people might think of her. The girl who gets so insecure that even when she sees people whispering, instantly assumes they are talking about her. All in a nutshell, I am just a very scared girl. There is not an ounce of confidence in me that can last a lifetime.
So yes, it hit me hard when H asked me where my self-esteem was. It made me feel like I was lacking something and I am. I know its not just me, I know that there are other girls and guys out there who feels the same way. This is sad, a sad truth.
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