C for Comfort
June 28, 2011 @ 9:56 PM
Here's the thing about comfort, it makes you feel safe. It makes you feel like you are a nice place but the down side is, we tend to want to stay there, at comfort. Take sleeping for an example. When we go to bed, we tend to toss and turn until we find this comfortable spot and finally fall asleep. And when we reach the point of deep serenity, that's when the we finally stops all the hard work. Then when morning comes, we all have a hard time getting out from bed, away from that spot of comfort.
Just like getting too comfortable, when we get too comfortable with something or someone, we just stop thinking that we have reached the destination. There's a reason why I never like it if someone gets too comfortable in a relationship. There's a reason why I always seem like I am on the edge every single time, why I am a tad too dramatic and why I usually over-think. Getting too comfortable with someone can do a lot of damage. We sometimes cross the line without even realizing it. We stop trying to hold everything together even when everything seems to be in place. Most importantly, we tend to takes things for granted. I've seen, no, I've psychologically felt every inch of pain of being taken for granted just because someone think comfort was the destination.
Just because we are comfortable with each other doesn't me we stop all the initiatives. What happens to all the times when you try, the times you make an effort to take things onto another level and the times you want nothing but the best for someone? Are they meant to be left behind as memories? So what happens next when we all gets comfortable and stops trying?
Comfort may be a good thing, but I just wish some people would not take it for granted. Take it like a pit stop. An area for rest and when we get back up after a quencher. Just like sleeping, we get back up after a few hours of rest and we go on with what the day has for us, what we have to fight for today.
xoxo ♥
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Lost In The Clouds
June 19, 2011 @ 11:16 AM
I don't know what happened for us to be here like this. Maybe it was all the little things that happened, that created this distance between us. Maybe it's the indignation that I still have towards you. Maybe its all those times that we argued and it made me feel angry towards you or all those decisions you made without thinking of the consequences. Maybe it was all of that. We may never talk to each other anymore but that does not mean I don't miss you. We are at a place to high to be seen and saved.
It's hard for me to accept what we have become. I tried, I tried to make it better for our sake, for her sake but I can't. I can't be the only one trying, that is not how it works. Now the closest we will ever get to each other is just to be in the same room. Even that we have to try not to make things awkward. And the closest we ever get to speaking to each other is you talking to me in a manner I do not appreciate.
But at the end of the day, you are still who you are to me and I miss you. I miss the times when you would come talk to me, ask how my day was, how my life was going but now all there is are silence. Even if we do try to strike a conversation, it would be really awkward. I miss the way you would pull me in your embrace because you need a little strength. I miss the times just laughing with you. I miss you.
Even if is is wishful thinking, I still wish maybe someday, we would get back what we have lost. So this is for you. Maybe someday, I will find it in me to forgive you for all that you've done and maybe you would do the same to me.
I love you, always will. Happy Father's Day Dad.
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Anybody There
June 15, 2011 @ 9:37 PM
Dear God, if this is one of the ways that you have chosen to test my family and I, I will gladly accept it. I know you would not make me go through something I could not handle. This might be your test to see how strong we are as a person and together.
Emotionally and mentally, my mum is the strongest person I know. She has been put in situations I don't see myself surviving out from. But she did and every time she does I see her coming out of it stronger. Maybe it is just a front but I would rather believe that she became stronger. My mum never shows her emotions towards us, she never shows any signs of weakness but I know deep down, her heart is breaking. And it kills me, it kills me to see her having her guards up all the time and seeing her being so strong. I want to be there for her, I want her to know that I am always here for her, that she can always lean on my shoulders at anytime any day.
Today she told me something which doesn't really surprise me but I knew right when I heard about it, I need to do all I can this time around to help her get through this. I know she would not able to cope with this. You see, this isn't the first time this happened. The first time it happened, I was too young to understand. I was too young to understand the grief and the pain that my mum had to go through but now I do. I could see how hard it is going to be on her, on all of us. I understood the burden it brings. I understood all these emotions I developed towards 'you' because of this. It might have been such a turmoil of emotions all in one but I understood it. I was set on looking at you with such disdain for acting such recklessly and leaving us to pick up after your mess. But I could not, no matter how much I said or try not to bother I ended up being a curve ball. And H is right, even if I could not do it for you this time, I need to do it for my mum.
This time around, I hope you learn your lesson.
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Self-Esteem
June 14, 2011 @ 10:44 PM
Let's just cut to the chase shall we. H asked me today where was my self-esteem. Right when the question came out from the tip of his tongue, I lost it. I lost all control of my emotions and cried.
I had a good self-esteem once. But somewhere along the line, I lost it. It went lower and lower as I go. All that bravery I portrayed was not confidence. It was just a front. I learned to master a brave front deceiving others including myself that it was confidence. But the fact of the matter is it never was confidence, it was just a mask.
I'm that girl who sits quietly with her thoughts and keeps them to herself. I'm scared and timid, I barely voice out my opinions. I'm the girl who resist change, who is scared of trying something new. I'm the girl who rather just sits and watch than try. I'm the girl who starts to tear up because of high frustration. I'm the girl who bottles everything up. The girls who has so much difficulty saying no even if its or its not for her own benefit. I'm the girl just like any other girl who is scared of what people might think of her. The girl who gets so insecure that even when she sees people whispering, instantly assumes they are talking about her. All in a nutshell, I am just a very scared girl. There is not an ounce of confidence in me that can last a lifetime.
So yes, it hit me hard when H asked me where my self-esteem was. It made me feel like I was lacking something and I am. I know its not just me, I know that there are other girls and guys out there who feels the same way. This is sad, a sad truth.
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Bring It On
June 10, 2011 @ 1:37 AM
I have always had a thing for cheerleading. When I first started out, I had no idea what it is all about and what to expect from it. Back in USS, I joined the school cheerleading team; Sonix to find out what it was about and because it seems like fun. Starting out fresh from scratch is very intimidating, fears overwhelms everything but as time went on I started to grow into it. What started out just for fun turned into something of a passion.
I loved all the adrenalin, the company, the fun of it all. I love every single bit of it. I look forward to every training, to every competitions. So when I stop doing it for about two years, you can imagine how much I miss it. And it only made sense that now in poly, I decided to join the school cheerleading team; Gusto. I may be very rusty by now but i was really keen in joining because I wanted to feel everything that I felt when I was in Sonix.
Coming in to Gusto, I don't really know much of what to expect from them. It's a whole new level. The trainings are tougher and it pushed me to my limits of which I either forgot or knows that I have one. It was me starting cheerleading from scratch again. A part of me felt like it was tedious, but another part of me enjoy learning new things. But on Tuesday, I skipped training. I had no mood for it and that I felt restless just thinking of what we are going to do. I felt guilty, for skipping training because I made the decision to join cheer thus I fairly knew what I was getting myself into. I felt like the commitment wasn't there on me.
I went to today's training knowing what I'm getting myself into, knowing what we are roughly going to do. I felt halfhearted, believe me I was a few steps away of convincing myself to skipped training again. I even came up with the thought of quitting altogether. But I went anyway, I did all the things I had to do. Then at one point, I started to realize the improvements I made, from when I came in to where I am now in Gusto, of what I can do. I realized of how much I miss Sonix more than cheerleading itself that drove me to thinking that Gusto wasn't for me. But it was not about Sonix anymore, it was about cheerleading as a whole. I reminded myself of the reason why I love it so much in the first place. I began to have an open mind, put all my 'knowledge' of cheer in Sonix in a corner and started out from soil. It was like I knew nothing about cheer at all. And it made things a lot better, I started to enjoy the process of learning. I even managed to handle all the constructive criticism quite well. I started to see the reasons why I came back to cheerleading.
I felt bad turning my back on something I really cared about. I need to keep in mind the reason why I have always love cheer.
xoxo ♥
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Take A Step
June 4, 2011 @ 10:33 PM
Remember the times when we started to planned out our life? What we want to be in the future, when we want to get married, what kind of person will we be in time to come? At every point in life, we decided what we want to be, what we want to do. We look forward to the future, making choices on the path of our destination. Like passing our O levels and making it to the tertiary education of our choice. Then getting our diploma, work in an industry of our liking, be successful and find the right person we want to be with for the rest of our life.
Then we would come to a prime time where every step we take seems so much scarier that it should be. We make choices that affects our plans, we make detours and when we think about it, we remember how planning just seem so effortless but the journey to it doesn't seem to be.
I am now at a stage where it is not about clueless or unrealistic plannings anymore. The choices and the decisions I made and will continuously make, will affect my present and my future. It's not about having my head in the clouds anymore, its about waking up, settling down, making do with what I have right now, where will it take me from here. I admit, that I am scared with every step I make. It's going to happen, all those that I planned, be it then or now. I have to keep in mind that my actions, my choices and my decisions are my ingredients of who I will be or who I already am.
xoxo ♥
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76th
June 3, 2011 @ 8:35 PM
I make it a point to do this every time not because I am obligated to neither am I boasting. I am doing this because it acts as a reminder of how far we have come and it helps me reflects on the things we have been and will go through. And it also because of my belief in the little things. If little things can make a huge difference, I hope all my little efforts are building up like a giant sandcastle.
Things has been going fairly well, just that I wished this wasn't the way to celebrate our 76th. But if this is the way for it to be better than I just have to make the best out of it. We may be, well, you may be feeling indignant towards me right now but its not going to stop me from doing this. Who knows, this might be one of those things that makes all of it better.
Despite it all, I love you babe. I have been in love with you since day one. And I am truly sorry for what I did.
xoxo ♥
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One out of three
7:48 PM
When something bad happens, it doesn't usually coming knocking on our door with a warning sign and even when we see it coming, we do close to nothing to stop it, yes? After all that is said and done, we had to learn things the hard way, time and time again. Even telling ourselves, countless times, to never repeat it again. Everything has a last straw, afters amounts and amounts of build up someone or something will bound to be the last straw.
I have never felt like this in so long and wishfully I thought it would probably not be coming back anytime soon. And when the last straw broke unexpectedly, I was the one to sponge all the blame. Truth to be told, I don't think I will ever get used to this feeling, this heavy shadow weighing over me, this guilt and the reflex action to be the one to do the chasing.
Though the chasing can be physically and emotionally draining, it never crossed my mind that I am obligated to. I feel like its a part of my role to make things better, that I know this well enough to make it right but why, with every step I take it's seems like I'm heading for the edge. It will come to a point of what does going the distance mean? What do I have to do to go in depth without giving up somewhere along the line?
xoxo ♥
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